The Nicole Kidman AMC Intro, But It’s About Your Sad Little Apartment Where You Watch Netflix on Your Laptop

Elyza Halpern
Elyza Halpern
June 22, 2022

We come to this place for magic…mushrooms, that is, because watching Seinfeld by yourself is always more fun on mind-altering drugs.

We come to your overpriced, crumbling studio apartment to laugh, to cry (that’s more about some personal stuff than the media I consume), and to watch Netflix on your 2012 laptop sprinkled with crumbs.

Because we need that, all of us…or at least me and this French guy I picked up from the communal laundry room.

That indescribable feeling we get when the lights begin to dim (even though they’re not actually supposed to dim, the electricity in your building keeps short-circuiting because the building’s not up to code and your landlord likes to play fast-and-loose with public safety).

And we go somewhere we’ve never been before: the “French language films” section because you want to impress this laundry room dude, so you’re going to watch “Un + Une,” whatever the hell that is.

Not just entertained, but somehow reminded of all your work meetings tomorrow because Google Calendar notifications keep popping up on the side of your screen. GO AWAY! I’M OFF THE CLOCK, DAMMIT! ARE YOU HAPPY, LARRY PAGE? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED FOR THE WORLD?!

Dazzling images of two stray cats on your fire escape fucking and then fighting and then fucking again.

Sound that I can feel…man, these mushrooms are stronger than I remembered.

Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place like this (the guy from the laundry room didn’t work out, but at least he left his vape?)

Our heroes feel like the best part of our fridge. Hero sandwiches, I mean. Three-day-old take-out is OK, right?

And stories feel perfect — meaning your acquaintances’ Instagram stories, for when you get tired of reading the French subtitles but your ego won’t let you turn off this damn movie because you can’t commit to anything but you’ve COMMITTED TO FINISHING THIS MOVIE AND IF YOU CAN’T EVEN FINISH A 2 HOUR MOVIE BY YOURSELF WHAT KIND OF LOSER ARE YOU?

Because here…you are…a loser, but it’s okay, because it’s still better than shelling out like $30 to go to AMC…Oh, this vape is definitely marijuana, not nicotine…shit.