For most Americans, the onset of spring ushers in a powerful feeling of financial dread: Tax Day. The sounds of birds a-chirping and trees a-rustling are lost in the frantic a-shuffling of W2s, 1099s, and old illegible receipts. No one is immune to the hysteria. No one, that is, except Finn Lucas.
After 10 agonizing weeks of saying they’d make a TurboTax account and then never making a TurboTax account, the Rockford resident decided enough was enough. In a move that critics are calling “unconventional” and “oddly realistic,” Finn placed a steeple on their head and stained glass windows on their tum-tum to avoid doing their taxes.
“Finn’s always been an out-of-the-box thinker,” mused coworker and casual friend Janet, who remembered a time Finn saved $50 on a haircut by pretending to be a public lawn. “So, yeah, we weren’t surprised when they showed up to the office with a church bell dangling from their chin whiskers.”
Since then, Finn’s ecclesiastical cosplay has only become more elaborate: flying buttresses glued to their face cheeks, Virgin Mary statues where their hands should be, 10 hours of church organ on loop in their shirt pocket. They’ve even adopted an air of pretension and sugar-coated intolerance, which, though insufferable, adds much to the look.
“I’ve never thought of Finn as a particularly religious person,” admitted Janet. “But it turns out that doesn’t matter.”
Needless to say, tax experts are stumped.
“There’s nothing we can do,” said IRS spokesperson Reba Tuttle. “Under American tax law, churches are 501(c)(3) organizations and therefore don’t pay local, state, or federal income or property taxes. And Finn is absolutely covered in spooky gargoyles. Legally, we can’t touch them.”
So what’s next for this walking sanctuary? Well, with all the money they’ll be saving on the backs of fellow Americans, anything is possible! Fancy cars, private jets, trips to Hawaii, a $23,000 commode? It seems the only limitation for our crucifix-adorned friend is their own imagination! So long, basic government oversight!
“I’m excited for Finn,” Janet concluded. “They’ve done nothing to deserve this special treatment, and now they get it forever.”
When asked for comment, Finn simply stated, “Ding-dong. Bing-bong,” and continued soliciting cash from strangers.
Ding-dong, bing-bong, indeed.