Amelia Bedelia’s Guide to Flirting

Molly Kessler
Molly Kessler
July 15, 2022

Hi! Amelia Bedelia here. Mr. and Mrs. Rogers are out on the town today — how they got on the town, I don’t know — so I’ve decided to use my day off to write this handy-dandy Flirting Guide! If you haven’t heard, I’m the biggest flirt there is. Five-foot-eight and counting! So if you’re looking to seduce someone special, here are a few flirting tricks I keep up my sleeve. (I wrote them on my arm!)

  • Keep your cool. First things first, flirting isn’t supposed to be difficult, so you’ll want to try and keep a cool head. Pop it into the nearest refrigerator or walk-in freezer. What’s important is that you shiver. Shivering is nature’s aphrodisiac!
  • Project confidence. If you can’t BE confident, project it! When you’re at the movies with your beau, break into the projection booth and replace the copy of Jurassic World: Dominion with a transparency slide that says “Confidence.”
  • Make eye contact. Reach out and touch your lover’s eyeball with your finger. Really get in there.
  • Be present. It might sound simple, but it’s important to spend time with your prospective sweetie while you’re gift-wrapped in a large box. It’s the little things that will help you stand out. (Do not stand on the box. You will break it.)
  • Mirror them. Most of us do this without noticing, but remember to hold an antique floor-length mirror in front of your crush while you’re chatting them up. If they’re interested, their reflection will be too!
  • Run into them unexpectedly at the grocery store. Full speed!
  • Ask questions. This is an easy way to get them talking. Here are a few I like to use: What’s 2+2? How many countries are there? Where’s the bathroom?
  • Bat your eyes. A bit antiquated, but if you can find two small fruit bats, tape them to your eyes to really woo that special someone. I do this a lot to Mr. and Mrs. Rogers because they are special to ME.
  • Ask if they want to grab a drink. If they don’t, no sweat! (Stop sweating.) If they do, walk around the bar and grab drinks out of people’s hands. Look at you on a date!
  • Plant one on ’em! And of course, by “one,” I mean a cactus.

And that’s all I have! (My arm’s pretty short.) I hope you have a wonderful time flirting. And when in doubt, just remember to wink! Winking is very flirty. You should definitely be winking. Wink both eyes at once, if you have to.