Please Join the Peloton Revolution — We’re Begging You

Chris Cook
Chris Cook
August 22, 2022

While the pandemic may have sucked for you, it was the best thing to ever happen to us here at Peloton. Sales skyrocketed when all you muscle machines were stuck at home without your precious gyms. We had you by the medicine balls, and we weren’t letting go.

But just like COVID numbers, our sales peaks may or may not have turned into valleys. Commercials, podcasts, and even “Dancing with the Stars” cameos soon turned into new CEOs, scrapped production plans, and hemorrhaging hundreds of millions per quarter.

With that in mind, our instructors are here to share their origin stories for a taste of how inspired you’d feel as a part of our community. Maybe we’ll even encourage a few thousand of you to invest and save our failing company? Who knows!

Axel Brohannon: I was constantly made fun of in school. My height, style, and attitude were always on the chopping block. One day, I looked myself in the mirror and said, “No more!” From then on, I began my fitness journey, which involves crushing 14 chicken breasts and 20 raw eggs daily. Care to join me on the next level, bro? Watch out for the empty containers of bulking powder, I just finished all of them yesterday. Anyway, who’s ready to leave their ugly, annoying self in the past to finally become a cool kid?

Jack Tyrannoman: My twenties were absolutely bananas: a total blur of music, clubbing, and catching gnarly waves. One night, I was running from the cops after I forgot my wallet on a beer run, and that’s when I noticed I was totally dusting those guys. This physical self-discovery guided me to a career in the health industry. Anyways, the big dog’s gotta keep this job to afford tickets to Bonnaroo next year. Mind placing an order with us so I can keep livin’ the good life?

Molly Charger: I graduated from clown college in 2009, majoring in squirt flowers. I took ballooning senior year as an elective, and my final project was a bicycle. Professor Gleep Glop said my project looked so great I could probably ride it… so I did. All the way from Happy Slappy Clown College to the bright lights of New York City! Listen…I’m not going back. For the love of God, buy a bike! Buy two! I’m not putting that God-damned red nose and purple wig back on!

Obviously, we only work with the brightest, most normal humans here at Peloton. Whether you started as a fat sack who couldn’t finish a 10-minute low-impact ride or you’re coming from Happy Slappy Clown College, we believe you have what it takes. And we know at least some of you have the cash to save us from financial ruin, so you should really do the right thing here.

If you know anything about us, then you know that a few recalls, thousands of layoffs, and killing Mr. Big can’t stop our shine!

Join us!

…please?