What Your Poop Says About You (When You’re Not Around)

Molly Kessler
Molly Kessler
June 2, 2022

Everybody poops. And even though we don’t talk about it, your poop can tell you all sorts of things about your body — whether you’re eating enough fiber, drinking enough water, flirting too aggressively with the barista at Dunkin’ Donuts. But what does your poop say about you when you’re not around? Turns out, it’s a ding-dang gossip!

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Uh-oh! Looks like your poop is here to DISH. And we’re here for it!

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Look, there’s no shame in googling “Jonah Was A Prophet (Full Version),” but there is some shame in doing it in incognito mode. Get it together!

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Maya, your poop is feeling neglected! Just because it’s “gross” and “literally waste” doesn’t mean it wouldn’t appreciate a little effort.

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Girl, you’re not doing your poop any favors. Throw some leaves in there!

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Ouch! On both counts!

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Okay, we’re pretty sure your poop stole this from the movie Clueless, but it’s pretty devastating nonetheless.

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Oh nooo. Maya, doooon’t…

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MAYA, STOP. YOUR POOP IS WORRIED ABOUT YOU. WE’RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU’RE MAKING RASH DECISIONS BECAUSE YOU FEEL UNFULFILLED, BUT A HUMANITIES DEGREE IS NOT THE ANSWER.

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In all honesty, we’re not sure why your poop won’t say this to your face. We think it’s a little afraid to be vulnerable with you, but please don’t tell it we said that. Pinky swear.

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Oops! Looks like your poop also forgets to say “off the record” when you’re not around.

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And now your poop is storming away. Typical avoidant attachment.

Coming Soon — “What Your Poop Says To You About Me (Even Though I Didn’t Do Anything Wrong!)”