by Stav @your__crush__
In need of dick ASAP, but don’t want half-baked dating-app-dick or outright rotten-ex-dick? Tired of throwing unimpressive catches you’ve hooked back into the sea? Not to fear, there are plenty of fish with dicks in the dating pool, and these are the best (fish)nets to scoop ’em up in.
Hot Topic Plaid Fishnet Tights ($12.90): Achieve a classic goth look with classic goth dick to follow suit. These plaid fishnet tights will go perfectly with your favorite black lipstick and his Naruto headband! Wear these whenever you’re hoping to give head in the mall food court and look damn good doing it.
Sexy Pirate Fishnet Tights (Cost: Booty): XXX marks the G-spot, and with these tights, you’ll be walking his plank every night! Wear this Captain-Hook-inspired look next time you’re searching for buried treasure, and you’ll be sure to have some cock flipping and flopping on your deck in no time. Scurvy, orgasm, and cool pirate sword not included.
Durex Condom Tights ($20.99 for a pack of ten): He “forgot” to bring a condom again? Don’t worry: with these Durex condom fishnet tights, you’ll already be wearing one! Ribbed for fashion and your pleasure, these condom fishnet tights double as protection from the cold and pregnancy alike. Comes in a variety of flavors such as kiwi, strawberry and mountain blast.
LIMITED EDITION Red Lobster Sponsored Fishnet Tights (Free*): Cheddar Bay his biscuits in style (while promoting our brand), girl! Versatile and lightweight, these promotional tights are sure to have you swimming in endless shrimp. Rock his lobster today!
*Offer rescinded if the wearer is caught going to another seafood restaurant. Shipping and handling of tights and dick not included.
Hefty Double-Duty Fishnet Tights ($16.99): Looking for a dirty pounding tonight?Take out his trash with these heavy-duty fishnets. Made with industrial-grade plastic that can hold up to 20 pounds of dick, this sexy indestructible number from Hefty garbage bags is sure to hold up to a thrashing. And if the dick disappoints, these Hefty brand fishnets are also handy for finally bagging up all of those clothes you’ve been meaning to donate.
If you’re looking to head to Bonefish Grill tonight (Get it? Eh eh?), rest assured that you’ve set foot on the right ship. So, what are you waiting for? Reel Captain D out of his boring old long johns with one of these fishnet tights today! And with a wide variety of styles to choose from, you can be sure you’ll lure in a fresh, sexy, and delicious catch each and every time. Treasure awaits!