Ahoy mates! Today, we’re taking you on a journey through Cheddar Bay, home of the famous Cheddar Bay™ biscuits. Fair warning: It smells like rotting cheese everywhere. Everything is literally just cheddar. Unlimited fountain pop though (Pepsi only)!
1. Long John Silver’s grave: We don’t put up with fast-food competitors, so he’s dead now! That’s right, we buried him straight on the beach. It probably will not fly with health inspectors, or honestly any kind of local authorities coming to visit, so please keep this on the down low. Joe from Joe’s Crab Shack: If you’re reading this, you’re next.
2. Tanning rocks: This is where the Cheddar Bay™ biscuits bake out in the sun before getting shipped to Red Lobster restaurants nationwide. Please keep quiet as they are sleeping.
3. Snack time: We give you half a Cheddar Bay™ biscuit for free! Want more? That’ll be $3.99 per basket, or free with a meal. Welcome to corporate America.
4. Aquatic life: You’ll see our tank of lobsters with rubber bands on their claws.
5. Lobster dunk tank: You can opt for this experience with or without rubber bands on the lobsters, depending on what kind of risk taker you are. They’re kinda hungry, so you have to sign a waiver before trying this.
6. Obligatory pirate boat: This is a fictional bay, so we may as well have pirates. Be careful—they have guns and did shoot some visitors this one time three months ago. (Ohio gun laws have gotten more lax, which is a really disappointing decision from our government that continues to threaten the integration of pirates into the Cheddar Bay™ experience. Please call your representatives and vote.)
7: Snack time: Chicken tenders for the kids who don’t like shrimp.
8: Snack time for assholes: Chicken tenders for the adults who still don’t like shrimp. (Seriously, why are you even on this tour?)
9. Fishing expedition: For extra money, we show you where and how our restaurants source their famous popcorn shrimp! (And trust us, it’s horrifying.) You can come fishing with us off the shores of the neighboring Parrot Isle™ for the low price of $6.99 per hour. Scientists are still trying to figure out how popcorn shrimp can swim after being deep fried like that.
10. The tour ends with a trip to Red Lobster. You must go and are paying.