Take this quiz to sort out what you like and what you’ve trained yourself to like… to gain the love of your father.
1. Scenario: You are eight years old and watching a movie.
A. You’re pretty much okay with watching anything because you are eight.
B. Your dad introduces you to The Last of the Mohicans. This one has some violence in it. This is new for you, which is exciting. Plus, your Dad showed it to you, and you exclusively respect his taste in cinema because you are eight and he is your Dad.
2. Scenario: Now in your adult life, you’re getting lunch with your Dad and catching up. He asks how work is going for you; you say “fine.” You ask how work is going for him; he says “fine.” Neither of you feels like elaborating beyond this. You…
A. Dive deep, tell him how you’ve taken up ceramics.
B. Make a reference to The Last of the Mohicans in a desperate attempt to fill the dead silence.
3. Scenario: You’re on a first date, and a potential love interest asks you an icebreaker question: “What’s your favorite movie?” What’s your go-to answer?
A. “So tough to pick just one. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Truman Show, Moonrise Kingdom, I mean I’ve liked pretty much everything Wes Anderson has made. Also really into horror, I loved Hereditary…”
B. Like the Pavlovian dog that you are, you respond, “The Last of the Mohicans.” Look, you needed an easy response instead of rattling off a list of titles that would bore your date… but maybe you kind of did that anyway with the utterance of this one movie title? Also, your dad loves that movie, so.
4. Scenario: You’re at a family gathering, and your Fox News-watching Dad says something very out-of-touch and offensive. You…
A. Defend your ideals honestly yet respectfully without raising your voice. He listens; you have a nice, mature discussion.
B. Change the subject to that movie you both like, latching on to the one thing you both have in common. Whatever you do, don’t think about how you are fundamentally different people with opposing political beliefs and that — while you still love him very much — you know deep down that if you were two random strangers in a public setting, you would never converse.
5. Scenario: You’ve been forced to reckon with the fact that, perhaps, this movie is a little dated.
A. You decide to flip through Criterion for once and pick something new.
B. You load up The Last of the Mohicans again, FaceTiming your dad as you both say in unison: “They don’t make ’em like this anymore!”
6. Some people would say this movie isn’t very good. Your response?
A. I know, it kinda sucks.
B. It’s literally all we have.
RESULTS: Whatever, you don’t need to justify it. There’s no turning back now, you’ve spent over 20 years with this man, and to reveal it was all a lie would be heartbreaking. Then what is there to talk about… work? The weather? It’s fine.