Man Buying Tampons and Pregnancy Test Simultaneously Gives off Mixed Signals

Richard Burgauer
Richard Burgauer
May 14, 2021

Confusion arose yesterday evening at the Grossbley’s Supermarket in Marble, North Dakota, when a customer bought his girlfriend both a box of tampons and a pregnancy test.

“I leave whatever she does in the bathroom to her,” the customer (who asked to remain anonymous) told us.

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t understand the female anatomy,” said cashier Chrissy Knoble, “But that’s the world, I guess. They don’t teach this kind of stuff to guys in high schools.”

The 36-year-old male shopper described the situation. “She told me to pick up a pregnancy test after work. She told me she was late, which I thought was kind of weird. Even if her boss asks her to work overtime, she should still be able to go grocery shopping herself, right?”

He continued, “Whenever I go to the store, I try to be a good boyfriend. I make it a habit to think of her needs. Today I’m grabbing a pregnancy test, but I’m also grabbing a box of tampons. Always do,” he said as he placed the 96-count tampon box on the conveyor belt for checkout. “I think that’s enough to last her through at least the weekend. It’s only 48 hours, but you never know.”

“I did a little digging,” Cashier Chrissy Knoble said. “He had paid using his girlfriend’s Grossbley’s account. It says he’s bought her a 96-count box for five days straight. 96 x 5 — the woman has 480 tampons for just this week alone. There’s no way she’s using almost a hundred a day, right? That would mean she’d be using about 4 tampons every hour for 24 hours.” Knoble said panicked and scribbling on a chalkboard. “Someone should check on her or him — I can’t decide.”

“He’s covering his bases!” chimed in 19-year-old Zack Fitzkirk bagger of the infamous transaction. “Even if his girl is pregnant, it totally makes sense to have tampons nearby. You have to keep the blood up there. So, you know, the baby […] doesn’t lose all the — you know, blood.”

When reached for further comment, the anonymous tampon customer became defensive. “Um, yes, I absolutely understand what goes on in a woman’s, uh, down there!” Growing more frustrated, the man went on to say, “I could totally go into detail, but, like, I’m way too busy today.” Sources say he had no outstanding plans that afternoon.

After learning the events, Grossbley’s store manager-on-duty George Stinson reached out to us for his final thoughts. “If he continues buying at this rate, we might add his name to the storefront. He’s the reason we were able to give all of our employees bonuses this month. As for the girlfriend, I say we give her a break. It’s probably her time of the week.”