Hi Elon, I Saw a LinkedIn Post About Your Small Business (Twitter), and I’d Like to Help

J.R. Gudeon
J.R. Gudeon
June 9, 2022

Hi Elon,

I hope you’re well. Well, maybe not — I have conflicting feelings about you. Either way, I saw on LinkedIn that you are about to own Twitter, so I’m reaching out to offer congratulations, as well as my help to grow your new business venture.

Like you, I am a businessman with experience in synthesizing ideas, optimizing workflow, and using lingo to build the future of tomorrow of the next generation. I think the two of us can make this thing huge.

To get a sense of what it might be like to work together, I’ve listed a few starting ideas of how you can grow your business. If you like what you see, let me know, and there’ll be more where this came from.

1. Allow One (1) Character Per Tweet

It’s clear that humanity cannot handle 280 characters. A new character limit of one (1) character per tweet would shrink the likelihood of tweeting something unnecessarily stupid. For example, someone who wants to incite violence can express themselves with an alluring yet indecipherable “>”.

2. For Every Tweet Posted, Commit to a Charitable Act

People would feel better about joining Twitter if they knew their participation was powering a machine for good. I project your company will grow exponentially if for every tweet tweeted, you commit to doing something good for the world, like sending a billionaire less fortunate than yourself to space.

3. Create Author Pages for Trolls to Display Their Full Body of Work

Many potential users stay away for fear of online bullying from trolls. Silencing them would violate their right to free speech, but author pages could help brand them with a reputation as someone who sucks and hopefully prompt a change in behavior.

4. Make Kids and Their Parents Feel More Welcome

How many children + parent users are Twitter missing out on because they don’t feel wanted? Twitter can market to these groups specifically by promoting this acronym: Twitter Invites Kids To Our Keyboards (TIKTOK).

5. Introduce a Mandatory Book, Like in a Freshman Year Seminar

Twitter is so divided. Making everyone who wants to join read the same book would foster a dialogue and allow newcomers to enter the scene with a relevant comment. I might suggest Eat the Rich by P.J. O’Rourke.