ITHACA, NY — Local woman Mable Hammerson has defied all expectations (mostly her husband’s and that one dude cashier’s at Lowe’s) by finally building her own she-shed. Hammerson never thought she’d partake in the antiquated, unnecessary gendered dwelling spaces until last week, when her husband Jarvis allegedly announced he’d renovated their garage into a “man cave.”
“I thought that was what the den was for, but he clarified that the den is just for Game Day and Will Smith action movies. Like, we have two cars — where are we supposed to park them? Beside the foosball table? Forget that — I decided if he can take over something, so can I,” Hammerson reflected.
“I built a she-shed so hostile that Jarvis questioned everything he ever knew about me. When he stepped in, not only was he threatened by the dangerous obstacles, but he was also intimidated by the Intro to Feminism course materials that I thrust upon him. By the way, the shed is also super cute! I’d say it’s a hybrid between Home Alone and Stephen King’s Rose Red.”
Here are some of Hammerson’s favorite tips on how to achieve her cute-yet-threatening she-shed look:
1. Sprinkle broken glass all around the perimeter.
This is a beautiful touch for the she-shed. Not only does it reflect the sun’s ethereal rays straight into one’s eye and blind them, but it also deters trespassers who dare cross into your sacred space. Those who are worthy will simply not feel the glass puncture their Sperry’s.
2. A pulley system connected to the Arby’s down the street
Yes, the nearest Arby’s is a mile away, but this queen figured out how to rig it to the power lines! (Take that, Sexist Physics Professor.) Complete with a cute little wicker basket holding payment for the Arby’s Double Beefinator and a Jamocha Shake accompanied by a little alert system that notifies the drive-thru employees of your basket’s arrival.
3. A moat
It’s just a moat. It’s not that complicated. Maybe I’ll add some koi too? Could be very Trading Spaces-chic.
4. A timed swinging knife puzzle
What better use for all your rusty, dull IKEA knives? For unwanted visitors who dare rap on your she-shed door, the knife puzzle will commence. The intruder will have limited time before the rope bridge is cut (duh, babe, there’s a rope bridge), releasing them to fend for themselves into the moat below. And again, just like the broken glass touch, people who are worthy of entering will simply not feel the knives slice through their Ralph Lauren polos and into their skin!
“This might sound a little extreme,” Hammerson said as she reclined on her lawn chair surrounded by mousetraps, “but the she-shed is actually my safe space, and I am determined to vet its guests properly. After all, it’s statistically most likely that I’ll be murdered by my own husband.”