Help! My Galentine’s Day Party Conjured the Physical Manifestation of the Sacred Feminine

Elyza Halpern
Elyza Halpern
February 14, 2022

BREAKING NEWS: A 28-year-old woman’s “Galentine’s Day Best Bitches Brunch” was cut short when an unexpected guest arrived: the physical manifestation of the Divine Feminine.

Witnesses say the entity appeared during the group’s White Elephant gift exchange. “I think we unintentionally performed some kind of conjuring ritual. Most of the gifts we got each other were rose or lavender-scented Bath and Body Works products — you know, the usual suspects” said Annabelle, the host of the brunch, “but it turns out those are also ingredients in a lot of ancient potions used to summon The Goddess. So, here we are.”

Annabelle says the women were passing the aromatic toiletries around when one of the guests, Elizabeth, said: “Ew, my boobs are sweating, give me that rosebud massage oil so I don’t start stinking.” Annabelle then told her “Elizabeth, we’re at Le Pain Quotidien, you can’t just rub oil on your tits,” to which Elizabeth replied, “Yeah but we’re on the back patio — tits are fair game when you’re outside on metal chairs.” Elizabeth then rubbed the overpriced massage oil on the underside of her left breast, and moments later, the mystical being appeared.

“I was 4 mimosas in when she manifested, so at first I thought I was just looking at my friend Kayla through drunk goggles. Kayla’s really pretty but it makes her uncomfortable when people tell her that so don’t tell her that.” said Shauna, another guest at the brunch, “Anyway, I quickly realized it wasn’t Kayla when the spirit thing’s boobs started glowing and I was like ‘Oh shit, you’re like, a legit supernatural entity.”

The Divine Feminine then reportedly dematerialized because she had to go deal with some dumb thing The Divine Masculine said on a podcast.