California Highway Patrol Begins Utilization of Tuba Breathalyzers

Ian Zandi
Ian Zandi
April 2, 2021

In an unconventional move to combat driving under the influence, the California Highway Patrol (CHP) has introduced the field use of Tuba Breathalyzers. The new lifesaving musical tool will replace previous obsolete sobriety tests such as BACtrack, walking in a straight line, and reciting the alphabet backward.

Though it may seem random at face value, the move from standard breathalyzers to tuba breathalyzers was a direct result of defunding the police. The Tuba Exchange Act of 2021 (TEA21) detailed an entire budget swap between High School art programs and the CHP.

“Not to toot our own horn, but our forces are now using the best state-of-the-art equipment from 15 years ago,” stated CHP Officer Nathan Longtalker. “Now that I have to spend 3 hours of my shift trying to fit a tuba in my car, I can’t spend as much time doing things I love, such as disproportionately pulling over people of color for frivolous reasons I made up in my own head.” Mr. Longtalker gazed scornfully at the large instrument crammed in his police cruiser backseat before adding, “Also, I’m jealous. People look so cool when they get to play the tuba.”

“We do wish that the people we pull over would play something fun, perhaps Twist & Shout or the Veggietales Theme Song, but alas, all we ever get to hear is one big honk, like a horny goose,” added Lieutenant Robert Robertson of the California Highway Patrol. “When we were introduced to the idea of Tuba Breathalyzers, I thought we’d get at least a jazz standard or two.” Mr. Robertson disclosed these thoughts as he cleaned out Corn Nut residue from a recently used spit valve.

While highway patrol officers must sit on the sidelines as suspects perform on the Tuba Breathalyzers, a better perspective was brought to light from one of the participants themselves.

“Dude, the idea is that the more drunk people are, the better they are at playing the tuba,” added Jake Stevens, a local freelance DJ comedian who was pulled over by CHP twice last month. “Most people they pull over only play a few notes, so you know they aren’t drunk at all. I once got so wasted at a 2004 NYE frat party that I jammed on my roommate’s sister’s tuba all night long and ended up playing the entire Blink-182 discography. Or at least it sounded like it to me at the time.”

At press release time, officers had begun looking into several additional breathalyzer alternatives, including saxophones, French horns, and screaming very loudly into a Mason jar. However, none had shown the same efficacy as the Tuba Breathalyzer.