Bad news: the zombie apocalypse is here, and your brains are on the menu!
“Brains,” said Zombie #53.
There is reason to panic, but not to fear! Experts are reporting that many zombies cannot differentiate between human flesh and the vegan meat product Tofurky.
“Tofurky?” said Zombie #29.
“We don’t know if this is a fluke, but we might as well take advantage of it,” said zombie expert Dr. Roy Sanchez from McGill University. Dr. Sanchez has been studying zombie behaviors for 14 years yet claims he never expected them to like shitty meat alternatives.
“If you see a zombie, we hope you have Tofurky on your person, as they’ll totally eat that instead of your brain,” Dr. Sanchez said. “For whatever reason, zombies seem to chill out for a couple of days if they have a plate of this fake meat crap. Emphasis on only a couple: you should still exercise caution and avoid leaving your bunkers when possible.”
Meanwhile, Tofurky’s business is booming.
“Brains,” said Tofurky brand representative, Zombie #34. She would not answer further questions about how Tofurky is profiting off the product’s newfound use, instead continuously saying she wanted to eat our brains. How rude!
If you approach a zombie, experts recommend the following steps for ensuring they eat the vegan meat instead of your brain.
- Say “zombie” to get the zombie’s attention. (According to zombie law, all zombies must answer to “zombie.” They may be trying to eat you, but they also abide by the rules.) Be assertive! They can smell fear before they can smell the fake meat.
- When the zombie’s attention has been turned to you, confidently hold the Tofurky. Wave it around, make up a song about it, etc. Preferably a good and catchy song, because your existence as a human being is kind of at stake here. Even take a bite of the product to show the enemy that that’s some good shit you have right there.
- Toss the Tofurky in the zombie’s direction. Close to the zombie, please, as its vision is not always the best. Ensure the zombie is considering eating the Tofurky.
You can buy Tofurky at your local supermarket for $50 per slice (and prices are rising). Get on it — supplies are going fast and may never return!
“We’ll be selling Tofurky as long as we aren’t zombies,” said local Target general manager, Cory, 42.
“Brains,” concluded Dr. Sanchez, who was calmly yet relentlessly snacking on the Tofurky in his office. “Urggmssss…. brains.”
At press time, oh shit is that a????!!!!! No wait, please!! I have two children at home!! Wait, I have a vegan treat you can snack on instead —