Quarantine has been rough, but not as rough as the single-ply toilet paper I was using to wipe my butthole. With stores out of quality TP, all I could manage to find was the really shitty stuff, no pun intended.
Alas, the question arose: To bidet, or not to bidet?
With both my partner and I hailing from Ohio, purchasing a bidet would make us feel like the frivolous coastal elites I longed for us to be. But, could we pull it off? The purchase of a bidet would be deemed “fancy” back in Ohio, we knew that much. Besides, we weren’t used to nice things like a poop fountain…
We have always had sore, dry assholes! For most of our lives, we were used to pushing out chugs of feces from the Hamburger Helper dinners every Midwesterner consumes all too often. But all it took for this millennial in quarantine to change her ways were a few targeted Instagram ads, and the order was officially placed.
I worried about our future guests, sure to be our Midwestern family… Would they soak our bathroom in poop water because they couldn’t grasp the concept?
After two months of the bidet being on backorder, it finally arrived! (Apparently, everyone else had realized they no longer wanted to scratch their buttholes into oblivion either!) The installation was strenuous, but it was nothing compared to what our anuses had been straining to do for years, day in and day out.
The next morning, after drinking exactly two drops of coffee, I felt the rumble. As I sat on the toilet, my butthole began to pucker away at the idea of ice-cold water spouting up into my sublayer. We had not paid extra for the temperature control, and I wasn’t sure I was brave enough to call myself a Bidet Boss Babe anymore!
I felt my coffee poop pass — and voila! Plop into the toilet! But, here was the defining moment:
Was I going to stick to the legacy of raw Midwestern assholes, never thinking I deserved better?
Or would I allow myself to have a chic, dare I say moisturized asshole?
A Big City Asshole?
An asshole that is cultured and knows what she wants with her life? On her own, in the big city!!!
I turned the nozzle…the spray of water felt like a blue whale spouting in the Pacific Ocean on a summer morn’! My butt was an island oasis!
Sure, I had managed to drench the surrounding area with poop water — I am an Ohio girl at heart after all. But this new lifestyle would just require some practice, something that this big city butt was ready to do. 😉