Hello, my beautiful #girlboss angel babes!
It’s me, some white lady on Instagram with a mediocre wellness brand. I’m here to give you some HOT TIPS to help you decide which HOT TOPICS you should address on your Insta feed, and to be clear, by “HOT TOPICS” I mean ongoing domestic and international human rights crises.
HOT TIP #1: Make sure the life-or-death issue you’re addressing comes with a trendy, *aesthetically pleasing* graphic
Remember, if it doesn’t look like it could be an advertisement for a collagen supplement, it doesn’t belong on your feed! The last thing you want is for the harsh nature of reality to poke any holes in your carefully constructed veneer of toxic positivity!
Instead, wait for some Silverlake-based designer to make a soothing pastel graphic with some vague statement about the issue. Then, post that graphic on your Insta with some generic feel-good caption like “Love over H8 ❤”
HOT TIP #2: Make sure you can connect the issue back to your #BossBabe business!
Rather than linking to educational resources or fundraising campaigns, use the human rights issue as an opportunity to promote your (unlicensed) life-coaching service, your $10,000 “self-care” retreat to Fiji, or the overpriced vitamins that you’ve done like 60 sponsored posts for (but have never actually taken).
If you’re not using the pain of marginalized populations to promote your shitty MLM products what kind of #StrongIndependentWoman trying to #manifest her dreams are you?!
But wait, aren’t there, like, #StrongIndependentWomen who are like….affected by these issues…who are also trying to…#manifest their dreams?…and by making these issues about me am I just taking up space and – *ERROR ERROR CRITICAL THINKING DETECTED ABORT LOGICAL TRAIN OF THOUGHT ABORT ABORT*
Whew! That was weird. Back to the tips!
HOT TIP #3 Ignore the #haters (AKA anyone who criticizes you)
The internet is full of #haters trying to bring you down! They’ll say things like “that’s factually incorrect” or “that company you work with is a pyramid scheme” or “you literally just plagiarized a Gandhi quote,” and all sorts of super negative, #BadVibes comments that a #goddess like you should just IGNORE!
I hope these tips inspire you to use the power of social media to make yourself look like a Good Person™ without actually doing anything concrete to advance the causes you claim to care about!
If you liked this list of HOT TIPS, check out my YouTube influencer boyfriend’s article: “How to Turn Your Young Male Followers’ Insecurities Into a $10 MILLION SIDE HUSTLE”