According to “Bro-Industries Inc.: A Scientific Study Group For Cis-Dudes in Hetero-Relationships,” it’s now getting harder and harder to identify what it means when your girlfriend holds out a stick with 2 lines on it. Does she have COVID? Or are you a soon-to-be father? Here are some simple questions to help you decipher what these mysterious stick symbols mean.
First, assess the stick itself. Does it smell of pee?
If it does, this is likely a pregnancy test. Movies and TV shows have taught us that girlfriends pee on sticks for pregnancy, but not for COVID. However, if she’s the type to stay well-hydrated (or you can’t smell because you have COVID yourself), you can’t fully trust this test.
Next, assess your girlfriend. Does she have a runny nose?
If she does, this is likely a COVID test. However, pregnancy does some wacky stuff, like make people crave pickles and ice cream, so who knows if sniffling is one of those weird pregnancy symptoms. Also, she might have allergies, OR she might be crying because she’s happy (or sad) to be pregnant (OR she just watched a Pixar movie). So you can’t count on this one either!
Assess your relationship. Have you had sex with her in the past month(ish)?
Inconclusive. Close contact can lead to COVID, but VERY close contact can lead to pregnancy, so no dice.
Last-ditch efforts: Does the stick have the words “COVID Test” or “Pregnancy Test” on it?
While this is hopeful, not all of these weird-ass sticks have words on them. Plus, as a brave and strong cis-dude, you want to show your mate that you are smart and strong and NEVER ask questions — or read sticks. You’re a man, and men just inherently KNOW science.
Our conclusions: Officially Inconclusive, Bro.
Either way, you should probably Postmates her some soup.
Good luck, dude!