Whelp, according to the federal government, several state governments, and your workplace, the war on coronavirus is “over” and we “WON!” (Take that, 5G!). Now it’s time to leave the hygienic safety of your home (or vacation home, we see you C-suite!) and go back to the office like nothing ever happened! But does that mean you need to give up all the sloppy comforts of working from home? No!
1. Emphasize the casual in “business casual” dress codes.
That footie pajama suit you impulse bought during Week 1? It started out as a joke but then you didn’t take it off for a month straight — and made the best sales calls of your career! Now it’s got the good juju (the combined stench of your stress B.O. and all your Seamless delivery orders). You could sell cannibal rats to the MTA in this baby! But only over the phone, not in person. IRL this thing will make you wish corona permanently took your sense of smell.
2. Replace your cubicle with your living room décor.
After months spent reclining on the couch with your work laptop resting in a nest of crumbs on your boobs, that ergonomic desk chair just doesn’t cut it! Ditch the old desk and filing cabinets, bring in your couch, coffee table, and the stacks of confidential paperwork you got used to just leaving out in the open.
3. Live At Work 24/7!
If there’s one thing no one missed during lockdown, it’s the commute! But if you can work from home, why can’t you also home from work? Rent is #cancelled anyways…right? If you followed steps 1 and 2, your pajamas and couch are already here! And no doubt your boss already got used to calling at all hours “since you’re not busy.” Save your ass in the next round of layoffs by showing management there is no place you would rather be than right here in the cubicle farm, doing the jobs of three people for half your original salary. Hey, we all made sacrifices during these trying times — you want to help your Fortune 500 company pay back their SBA loan, don’t you?
Now you are ready to soldier on in the fight against financial recession, saving your company from the disgrace of profit loss! But it could always be worse: you could be one of the millions of people whose PUA benefits expire next week, whose only hope rests on Congressional Democrats forcing Congressional Republicans to act with even an ounce of compassion for the vulnerable in our population. Yeah, sure, when Donald Trump flies!