Cute Platform Heels for Mildly Catastrophic Subway Flooding

Jessica Lillian
Jessica Lillian
March 12, 2022

Ready to look fabulous and keep your feet elevated and pristine when the subway system turns into a nasty little flood zone? Here are our picks for the cutest platform shoes!

Sugar Thrillz Rubine Crowned Charmer Platform Heels ($118.00)

With a whopping 6-inch heel, these hot pink bejeweled shoes let you gracefully evade pools of contaminated water from those pesky “once-in-a-decade” storms that now occur every other week in August and then sometimes randomly again in October and then again in spring.

Steve Madden Christa Black Leather Platform Sandals ($99.95)

Throwback time! These comfortable cuties will elevate your precious soles above murky muck while bringing you back to the 90s — when “global warming” was already in your elementary school science textbook and you thought for sure they’d fix it by 2000!

Isabel Marant Crelyne Floral Canvas Espadrilles ($198)

The 1-inch jute heels will only keep your toes safe from the most petite puddles of suspiciously sewage-looking water leaking down the steps. But these sandals’ whimsical lavender botanical print will remind you of the golden days of biodiversity before it was all slowly destroyed by humans. Perfect with a gently flowing sundress for a 105-degree July day.

Margaux The City Sandal ($279)

Every pair of Margaux shoes is designed right here in New York! Wear your pride for a city that has consistently failed to weatherize its antiquated critical infrastructure. Extra cushioning helps you stay comfortably upright in any crushing crowd as you stand in your stalled subway car after the electrical lines shorted out again from flash flooding.

Fabulicious Felicity Rhinestone Platform Heels ($97.95)

Flirty night out on the town turned into a transportation nightmare? Luckily, you can use the sparkly stiletto heels as a glam little weapon for puncturing any dead — or even live — rats that start washing up around your ankles as the water level rises. You’re a girl on the go with no time for rodent obstacles!

Valentino Tan-Go Platform Pump in Rose Cannelle ($1,100)

Hold up — why are you even near an unsavory waterlogged subway station in designer footwear? Call that limo driver, private helicopter, emergency spaceship, or whatever you need, and let the social classes below you continue to disproportionately bear the deadly brunt of climate change for at least a few more years.