Whose Dick Do I Have to Suck So That I Can Suck a Dick?

Ramsey Daniels
Ramsey Daniels
October 1, 2020

(Written pre-COVID. The sentiment still applies, if not the methodology.)

It’s official; fall is upon us. And with fall comes what the kids are calling “cuffing season,” the time of year when our survival instincts kick in, and we partner up for body heat, like penguins in the Arctic or Lewis and Clark in America. All of which begs the question, why can’t I find a dick to suck?

I’ve tried everything. I have all the apps, I’ve told straight men there’s a Banksy painting in my esophagus. I’ve flossed. Not to be crass, but it’s getting to the point that I would honestly suck someone’s dick so that I could suck a dick.

You think I’m kidding? I’m for real! The last time I went on a date, I asked my suitor if he would like me to suck his dick. “No, thanks!” he said. “Let’s focus on escaping this room!”

“Ok,” I said. “Well, how ‘bout this- I’ll suck your dick if you let me suck your dick.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?” he asked. I guess he’d never heard of quid pro quo, or at least didn’t know Latin.

My next step was to stand on a busy corner in the financial district and hurl insults at powerful men. I got a request for fellatio on the first try, but he fled when I responded, “Yes!!” The next day, I paced in front of the Goldman headquarters, mouth agape, with a sandwich board reading: “This Machine Pleasures Fascists.” But by the close of business, all I’d caught was a power-hungry gnat.

So then I tried Brooklyn; I went out late at night and found an alley that was Oliver Twist-y enough. I sang a few bars of “I’d Do Anything,” and soon enough, a gentleman caller appeared. He asked, “How much?” at which point I slapped him square across the cheek. I’m not a sell-out. If I’m gonna suck a dick, I’m gonna earn it the old fashioned way: by sucking a dick. It sure is lonely on the high road.

So here I am, in the midst of my twenties, my bed bare, my mouth the Mohave. As the Christmas season approaches, all I ask, dear Reader, is that you consider giving me a moment of your dick, so that I can suck it. And if the holiday spirit doesn’t move you? I’m not above sucking your dick to make it happen.