The 36 Love Questions But My Wife Left Me

Elyza Halpern
Elyza Halpern
November 11, 2020

The NYT’s famous 36 love questions from the perspective of a guy named Brad whose wife just left him.

  1. If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? ……Fuck these questions, love is dead.
  4. Have you ever been cheated on by a cold-hearted bitch?
  5. Did she cheat on you while you were in the hospital with a hernia?
  6. And while she was visiting you in the hospital, messages kept popping up on her computer from a guy named “Dave”?
  7. “Dave” is such a douchebag name, right?
  8. Did you discover that “Dave” is some guy from your wife’s work?
  9. Did you find out that she voluntarily went on 5 business trips with Dave last year?
  10. Including one to Cancun?
  11. What kind of business trip is in Cancun?
  12. Did you hack into her email because fuck personal privacy, you’re on a mission?
  13. Did you find 23 nudes from “Dave”?
  14. Is Dave not even that hot?
  15. He’s actually kind of gross, right?
  16. Did you print out all of these emails and confront her with a 50-page stack of them while having dinner at Macaroni Grill?
  17. Did she say “you’re insane, Brad!” and then storm out?
  18. Did you run after her, screaming “I just want to make this work, Danielle!”?
  19. Did you knock over someone’s order of chicken parmesan in the process?
  20. Did you get a call the next day, informing you that you are banned from all Macaroni Grills in the continental US?
  21. Did you come home from work that day, expecting to find Danielle apologizing and crying, only to find that all of her stuff was gone?
  22. Are you now sitting in your bathtub, crying silently by yourself because you still love Danielle? Oh my god, you still love her so much.
  23. Do you resent that Danielle made you feel this horrible?
  24. Do you start to ponder the idea that maybe, just maybe, sweet, sweet revenge will heal all of your heart’s wounds?

Rhetorical question, of course it will! Fuck the other 12 questions, it’s time to ruin Danielle’s life. Leave suggestions for revenge on my wife in the comments below!