Stick Figure Family on Back of SUV Going Through Divorce

March 5, 2022

Akron, Ohio: The stick figure family on the back of Sanders’ car, the Sticks, filed for divorce Monday after 22 years together. Reasons for divorce included lack of privacy, intimacy, and the general direction of the relationship—which is whatever direction the Sanders’ car is going at the moment, since the Sticks are physically attached to the rear window.

“It can be exhausting spending your entire life with the same people and literally not being able to move anywhere. The kids are really just always… around,” said Mr. Stick. “When it rains or snows, furthermore, we have no protection except for hoping we’ll be in a garage the day of. Gets old kind of quickly.”

“Not buying a house 20 years ago was his idea, so we stuck with the car,” scoffed Mrs. Stick. “After a while, though, it feels pretty grating watching a family that you resemble going places and making memories while we physically cannot leave the windshield. I regret the decision, of course, but inflation and the cost of housing in general means we can’t just go buy a house now.”

While Mrs. Stick largely stuck to finances during our conversation, sources close to the Sticks suggest Mrs. Stick was also tired of Mr. Stick’s stick dick, and literally not having a space to privately have sex in.

“At least now I don’t have to watch the Sanders’ 16-year-old son make out in the car on weekends,” Mrs. Stick hinted. “Disgusting to rub it in our faces too, don’t you think? I mean, I don’t have a place to do this.”

Meanwhile, the car owner is now concerned about what the development means for her own relationship.

“Is this divorce some kind of omen for my own marriage?” wondered Mrs. Sanders, the owner of the vehicle. “These stick figures are supposed to represent us, you know… I thought things were going okay, but now I’m unsure.”

Mr. and Mrs. Stick are currently arranging a divorce settlement where the kids can be with dad on the Sanders’ ’03 Buick windshield every other weekend. At the time of writing, it’s unclear who will keep the stick dog.