Picture this: you’re waiting in line at TJ’s, holding your little basket overflowing with mango spring rolls and seaweed snacks, thinking about how you really should‘ve opted for a shopping cart. Finally, you hear the DING DING of the store’s trademark bell and a friendly voice not unlike a songbird in spring say, “Following guest?” It’s your turn! You shlep your basket up to the register and…
1. The cashier is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. It seems like she’s:
A. A chill and laid-back person who is also very attracted to you.
B. Wearing the Trader Joe’s uniform.
2. She says, “Ooh, frozen mango and sticky rice spring rolls? Great choice.” That means she’s:
A. Impressed by your excellent taste. You have a refined palate, and she could see that.
B. Validating your purchase because that is part of her job as a sales associate at Trader Joe’s, a chain known for having personable and friendly employees.
3. She says, “Oof, the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzels? Those things are deadly.” She is:
A. Looking out for your health because she is quickly falling deeply in love with you and can’t bear the thought of losing you to a sugar-induced heart attack.
B. Making small talk to stay awake during a long, monotonous shift of scanning and bagging groceries.
4. She scans an alcoholic beverage and asks to see some ID. She wants to:
A. See when your birthday is so that she can determine whether or not you are astrologically compatible.
B. Confirm that you are over the age of 21 before selling you alcohol because she does not want to break the law and therefore risk her job at Trader Joe’s.
5. She bags all of your items and says, “Enjoy your weekend!” You should respond with:
A. “Actually I have no plans to do anything enjoyable this weekend and would love to remedy this by inviting you to my studio apartment to watch Coyote Ugly and eat Mango Spring Rolls on my futon.”
B. “Thanks, you too!”
Doesn’t matter! Because regardless of whether you chose mostly As or Bs, you are realistically going to exit the store without making eye contact or exchanging a single word.