Last week, Pfizer, the self-proclaimed “it girl” of pharmaceutical production, released their new much-anticipated medication, Plan DJ: a “morning-after pill” that erases your memory after you fuck a DJ.
Finally, a pill to clear your mind after the amateur disc jockey you’re hooking up with convinces you to listen to some bizarre, homemade, post-psychedelic electronic mix that you only pretend to like because you’re horny.
With bars and clubs reopening, many newly vaxxed singles are stocking up on Plan DJ in preparation for their beach vacation getaways:
“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve needed Plan DJ on my trips to Daytona,” said Alexa Pall, a potential Plan DJ user. “One time, I went on a date with this USF student, and right as things were getting hot and heavy, his computer started playing some migraine-inducing Drake/Lil Xan mashup that also sampled audio from a Taco Bell training video,” Pall recounted. “I asked him, ‘What the hell is this?’ and he was like, ‘That’s my new mix, I call it ‘Sensual Relief Beatz,’” Pall said, shuddering as she remembered the mixtape.
“Once I realized he was serious and this was not part of some Gen Z ‘Punk’d’ reboot, I got up and left,” Pall said. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, the d*ck was good, but the sound of some Taco Bell suit screaming ‘JUST PRETEND IT’S REAL CHEESE’ over the beat from Passionfruit will now live rent-free in my head for the rest of my life.”
Dr. Jo Moore, a local gynecologist, also weighed in on the release of this new medication. “I wish we’d had Plan DJ back in the Skrillex era. I’d like to forget those nights of my ex practicing his dubstep set while I was trying to study for the MCAT,” Moore said. “Oh, wait, you wanted medical information? Sorry, I’m just so excited that this is a thing that exists.”
When asked about the risks, Dr. Moore explained, “Plan DJ might kill a couple of brain cells, but so would the drugs you’d have to do to keep yourself from remembering some dude named Trevor’s remix of ‘Bass Down Low,’ so, you know, trade-offs.”
While responses to Plan DJ’s announcement have been mostly positive, the medicine isn’t without its critics. Much like another similarly named medication that, like Plan DJ, also literally just removes small groups of cells from the body, several GOP lawmakers have decided that Plan DJ is an ungodly atrocity that must be banned immediately.