Heyyy, It’s Your Friend Who Sucks At Dating!

Kristen Mulrooney
Kristen Mulrooney
May 29, 2020

Hey girl! So glad we could meet up for drinks. I’ve been dying to tell you about Tim. We’ve been hooking up since we met on Tinder a couple weeks ago and he’s like seriously into me. I mean, we don’t know each other that well yet because he doesn’t have a ton of time to talk. But he’s really into coming over on his way home from the bars.

I’m just so glad to be done with Josh, you know? I want to get married and start a family so I don’t know why I wasted an entire year on someone who wants to be worthless dumpster scum for the rest of his life. Whatever, not my problem anymore.

Hey, did I tell you I went out with that guy Derek? The one I met at the library? We went for sushi and mai tais and ended up sitting there talking for three hours. Total sweetheart. I don’t think I’ll go out with him again though. He’s only 5’8”, and I’m 5’7” in heels.

Oh my God look over there, is that Josh? Who the fuck is that blonde girl he’s with? We JUST broke up three months ago. I’m going to go confront him. Do I look ok?

Oops, it wasn’t him. I probably should have gotten a look at his face before I grabbed that girl by the ponytail. Wow, that’s funny though! I have to text Josh and tell him I just found his doppelganger.

omg…just…saw…your twin… how… have… you been?

Anyway, I think this thing with Tinder Tim is going to take off. The only problem is, he’s still living with his ex, and that makes things a little awkward. For him, I mean. He said they still have eleven months left until their lease is up, so they’re stuck living together until then. And the couch makes his back hurt so they still have to share a bed. Ugh, I feel so bad for him.

Josh just texted me back! Wait, never mind, it’s Derek. I’ve been ghosting him since our sushi date. “Hey, I had a great time the other night. I’d love to hear more about your thoughts on The Bachelor as a metaphor for socialism. You busy Friday?” Yikes. Coming on a little strong there, Danny DeVito.

But I’m not even thinking about guys right now because I want to focus on my career and becoming my best self. I feel like I’ve been seeking self worth in the wrong places so it’s best for me if OH I JUST GOT A MESSAGE FROM JOSH! One sec…just gotta reply real quick…

I know, why am I even talking to him? Like it would be different if we’d had an amicable break up, but he cheated on me with his dog walker. Unforgivable. Every time I showed up to his apartment unexpectedly and found her there, he SWORE to me she was there to bring his weimaraner for a late-night walk. And he said she kept extra clothes at his place in case the weather suddenly changed. But now that I know he slept with her, I’m beginning to wonder if that was all a lie.

Whatever, at least I have Tinder Tim. He said he definitely sees himself getting married someday. Actually, I ran into him at a coffee shop this morning and he was wearing a wedding ring! I’m like, what, you want to get married so bad you’re pretending to wear a wedding ring? He’s too funny. He hasn’t responded to any of my messages today though. I should call him.

Hang on, just got another text… Hey, do you mind if we head to a different bar? Josh is across town and I want to see if he’s with another girl.