Rejectress Submission: Mari Crawford

Mari Crawford
Mari Crawford
August 31, 2020

Male Trump supporter has not gotten laid in four years

“I don’t get it. My Make American Great Again hat matches my rouge complexion when I drink, so I wear it in my pictures. I thought it would for sure get me more matches. Should I make a fifth dating profile?”

Your Granddaughter’s Diary Entry: “Grandma keeps talking about the pandemic of 2020. I wish she would just shut up.”

January 5th. 2078: I’m staying at Grandma’s for the week and it is so boring. Everywhere we go she tells me what kind of stores used to be open and how she lost her job…blah blah blah. So annoying. I want to go home.

Remember when Jack Black was out of Gwyneth Paltrow’s league in Shallow Hal? That was funny.

Ah, 2001. When women in film were all one-dimensional characters and Jack Black was considered hotter then Gwyneth Paltrow. Don’t you just miss movies like Shallow Hal when a female character’s main characteristic was her weight?

Man leaves woman alone only when he finds out she is owned by other man

“I kept hitting on her, she told me she wasn’t interested, but I knew she would come around. But when I found out that she had a boyfriend! I felt so bad! I profusely apologized to him. Thank God he forgave me!”

“It’s so moving” I say between sobs watching 30 seconds of Borat while PMS-ing

It’s that scene where Borat finally shows the world who he wants to be, he has been suppressed, he is looking for love, and he is scared. I saw him and thought, “wow, what a brave and beautiful soul,” became so moved, and proceeded to cry and eat my seventh chocolate bar. Borat then said his famous line “King in the Castle! I have a chair! Go do dis, go do dis! King in the Castle!” Powerful.

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