TRUE STORY: I Dropped My Vote in the Pacific Ocean Thinking It Was a Ballot Box!

Ian Zandi
Ian Zandi
November 4, 2020

It seems impossible, but I cast my 2020 presidential ballot into the Pacific Ocean. I’m not an idiot, so let me explain myself. I was strolling along on the beach when something caught my eye: a small piece of paper pinned to the boardwalk by a single piece of Scotch tape. The sign simply read “Official Ballot Box,” scrawled in red crayon. Yes, some of the letters were written backwards, but I’m a progressive and I don’t discriminate.

How handy! I had my ballot on me and hadn’t had a chance to submit it yet. I thought back to our Founding Fathers who fought to give me this right, and then, with the utmost confidence, I stood at the edge of the pier and flung my voting slip into the abyss, performing my civic duty.

Unfortunately, this turned out to be one of the fake ballot boxes that are set up to trick early voters. Who knew?! Truly, this was a mistake that anyone could have made.

I know what you’re thinking. How could I confuse the Pacific Ocean with a large metallic box? Let me answer that question with another question:

Why are we assuming that all ballot boxes look the same?

It’s rather rude to expect that in this day and age. Much like the American people, ballot boxes come in all shapes and sizes! Similar to the inside of a Trader Joe’s, a ballot box could be themed to match the neighborhood where it’s located. Why wouldn’t the one in Santa Monica, CA look like the ocean? That’s not a crazy thought! The facts are all there.

It may also come as a surprise that I did not recognize my mistake immediately. After tossing my voting materials into the ocean, an adorable seal popped its head out of the tide and swallowed my ballot! At first, I considered this a form of voter suppression.

What if the seal was actually a Proud Boy in a very convincing seal costume?

However, I soon discovered that was not the case, as people repeatedly informed me while I tried to capture and unmask the sea creature. Despite my best efforts, I could not find a zipper in the presumed Scooby Doo-esque disguise.

I firmly believe every vote should be counted, even if it is submerged underwater. If you ask me, a poll watcher should strap on some scuba gear and get my ballot! It’s my right as a law-abiding American that my tax dollars should go towards situations like this. Surely, Governor Newsom budgeted for this specific scenario.

Just between you and me, I don’t even remember I voted for. I just filled in all the bubbles based on what my cool socio-political friend Andrea told me. But that’s beside the point! I got to cast my ballot and keep the “I voted” sticker that came in the mail with it!

I daresay, the sticker is worth more than the ballot itself. I hear there’s a pub around the corner that gives a 10% discount on cocktails for showing the proof. God bless America!