The 5 Most Beautiful Places in Texas That Are Unfortunately Governed by Religious Zealots Who Want To Control Your Uterus

Elyza Halpern
Elyza Halpern
September 17, 2021

Texas! Big Sky! Big Hair! Thinly-veiled evangelist Christian theocracy AAHHHHHHGAGHHH — GET YOURSELF TOGETHER WOMAN, this is a travel blog, and you need that damn freelance writing check!

Anyway, howdy partners! Are you planning a trip to the Lone Star state? Check out these five BEAUTIFUL locations where the government has literally placed a $10,000 bounty on anyone who even assists a woman in having an abortion at six weeks. We live in hell. Let’s jump into these fun tourist attractions!

1. Hamilton Pool

Take a dip in this gorgeous natural pool just outside of Austin. Swim under majestic limestone rock formations while trying not to think about the crime against humanity that is forced birth.

2. Colorado Bend State Park

Hike along this park’s incredible streams and rock formations! Despite being in the Hill Country region of Texas, Colorado Bend State Park shares its name with the state where right-wing Texas lawmakers will definitely send their family, friends, and mistresses to have discreet abortions — because let’s be real, life only “begins at conception” for the poor and/or unconnected, don’t you know?!

3. Downtown Austin

Need a break from all the hiking and swimming? Check out the city life in Downtown Austin! And if you’re a straight cis dude on the club scene looking for a fling, remember that the woman you’re fucking is risking a situation where she may have to choose between carrying an unwanted pregnancy to term, traveling out of state to get a safe pill or procedure that could sick her state’s government and/or a mob of brainwashed pro-life nutcases on her, or getting a back-alley procedure that could kill her. Just something to think about while you’re busting that nut, my dudes!

4. Willow City Loop

Take a stroll through the bluebonnet flowers at this quaint hidden gem near Fredericksburg. The flowers typically start to blossom around the beginning of March, and the bloom lasts until mid-to-late April. (#FunFact, that period of time is longer than the time allowed for a woman to find out she’s pregnant, learn about her options, and get an abortion. It also takes longer than that to get an appointment at the Genius bar.) When traipsing around this garden, tread carefully — there may soon be a law deputizing the populace to sue private citizens for plucking or smushing these flowers underfoot (because #pro-life), but that legislation is still making its way through the shadow circuit, whatever that even is.

5. Palo Duro Canyon

Why do the worst state governments always control the prettiest rocks? Anyway, if you want to limit them to controlling rocks and not people’s bodies, donate to the Texas Equal Action Fund at www.teafund.org.

Yee-haw! We made it through all five! I hope you check out some of the hot spots (for the patriarchy) that I’ve described above if you ever decide to visit Texas, but to be honest, I would sincerely advise against that.

Signing off,

Your favorite (furious) travel blogger