Listen, we here at Lucky’s Café technically offer complimentary Wi-Fi, but that doesn’t mean we actually want you hogging up our precious bandwidth. We just want to keep up the charade that we have souls. However, if you’re willing to answer some DEEPLY invasive questions and provide us with some VERY personal deets, we might CONSIDER giving you access. Answer these questions truthfully, and you’ll be free to log into your Instagram and post a picture of your plate of mozzarella sticks for your 13 followers, or whatever it is you do on the internet:
1. Which of our employees would you happily punch in order to access our Wi-Fi? Is it Brad #1 who works the bar? Brad #2 who makes the lattes? Or Brad #3 the fry cook? Once you make your selection, you have to go over and do it, NOW.
2. What’s the most irritating thing about the person sitting in front of you? How can we share this detail with them using passive-aggressive latte foam art?
3. What was the last breakthrough you had in therapy? We want specifics, so we can announce them over our PA system.
4. What makes you lie awake and cry at night? Don’t lie, we’ll check with your therapist.
5. Are you a fan of missionary, or is it too mainstream for you? Brad #1 at the bar is looking at you right now waiting for you to answer. Brad #2 thinks it’s too mainstream. Brad #3 has no idea what missionary is. Whatever your response, we’ll make sure one of the Brads is judging you.
6. Who’s the first person you slept with? What’s their phone number? We want to call and verify the experience.
7. Would you let Beaker from The Muppets motorboat you? “No” is not considered an acceptable response on this one, so don’t even try.
Thank you! Even though you just dished out all this deeply personal info, we actually decided your answers weren’t good enough, so the connection icon is just going to keep spinning on your phone like a sad digital hamster stuck on a perpetual wheel. We can’t wait to broadcast your responses to our other patrons, but sorry you’ll never get on our Wi-Fi!