Sign Our Petition to Add Assault Rifles to Olympic Biathlon So Our Athletes Have a Fighting Chance

Gabe Downey
Gabe Downey
February 20, 2022

Calling all patriots!

As the 2022 winter Olympics come to a close, I’m here with some thoughts on increasing our gold medal haul four years from now. Fresh off our victory of almost overturning democracy on January 6th of last year, we’ve decided to aim our sights a bit lower in 2022 and focus our patriotic efforts on our new enemy: the Olympic Biathlon.

Part minimal-effort calisthenics, part reckless handling of firearms, the Biathlon sounds like a dream event for American athletes. Yet, since its first appearance in the Olympic games, our efforts to medal have come up suspiciously empty. That’s why we’re collecting signatures to convince the International Olympic Committee, or IOC (not AOC — we’ve got a separate petition about her) to give up that winky-dinky single-shot rifle traditionally used in the event and replace it with something most Americans have laying around unlocked and loaded in their house: the Smith&Wesson M&P 15 assault rifle.

Outside of improving our medal chances, the Smith&Wesson M&P 15 assault rifle will help the Biathlon in many ways. Its ammo capacity will make hitting all five shooting targets a breeze. It will make it easier to watch athletes from Finland hilariously fumble around, trying to figure out how to remove the gun’s safety. And best of all, because of its widespread use in American society as a sporting good — used mostly for the sport of protecting our private property from Uncle Sam, am I right? — its inclusion in the event will skew the playing field in favor of the USA. Yee-haw!

The shithole countries that currently dominate the Biathlon — Germany, Russia, and Norway — are like a who’s-who of nations that got their asses kicked by our grandparents. Their reign of terror must be brought to an end the way Americans have always done it: bigger guns, louder voices, and a list of signatures so long and illegible that it’s virtually impossible to verify their authenticity.

The Biathlon is based on an old competition called military patrol — and nobody militarys better than us. That’s why it is essential that you add your name, P.O. box, militia group, police precinct, and Gamertag to this petition to ensure that we Make Olympics Great Again through the magic of widespread military-grade assault rifles.