Pets You Can Adopt Even Though Your Neopets Have Been Starving For 14 Years

Stav
Humor Darling contributor
Stav
October 25, 2021

By Stav

It’s 2021. Neopia has long descended into an environment not dissimilar to “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Many of the pets were rounded up and slaughtered back in 2011 for their meat. The faeries gave up a long time ago and founded their own anarchist squat far outside Neopia’s borders after the devastating supply chain meltdown of the same year. Student debt is on the rise because everyone now has to get PhDs to keep up with the low wages and high rents.

Things are bleak, man.

Apparently, this is news to adult Neopets website users, who couldn’t even be bothered to log on this whole time to make sure their own Neopets — that they’ve had since fifth grade — was okay. And no, “I forgot my login password,” or “I forgot the email I used, so there’s nowhere to send a password reset,” or “I graduated middle school and got a girlfriend,” or “I have a job now” aren’t excuses. Activating a Neopets account is a commitment, motherfucker.

So, here we are, years later, and you want to own a pet in…real…life? Okay, fine! Fine! Fucking fine!!! Here’s some real living, breathing, sometimes puking animals you can take home today even though your childhood internet history demonstrates you can’t even take care of digital ones properly to save your (or your Neopet’s) life.

Just remember, these creatures will actually die if you do not take care of them…

Bunny: This is a particularly disturbing pet choice considering its resemblance to the Blumaroo you adopted in 2007 and subsequently abandoned. After all, that Blumaroo is still out there. It knows you left because you got “bored.” It’s still alive because it’s not allowed to die in Neopia, it can just become very sick and miserable due to indefinite hunger at all times instead, which is possibly worse.

Think of all that resentment that’s been brewing in its cold, abandoned little heart after all these years. Wait too long and automated intelligence will allow it to transform into some kind of real-life Neopet zombie. There’s a good chance it WILL come to eat your brains in your house in Ohio. It knows your IP address. Enjoy your bunny that you’ll probably even give the same name in the meantime!

Dog: Fine, go get a cute, healthy puppy. But as you buy its puppy toys, book its vet appointments, and start a cute little life together, just remember to ask yourself, every once in a while: where is your Neopet even going to go to eat these days? The giant omelet? It expired ten years ago, you sick fuck. Think of something else.

Cat: This creature sleeps all day, giving you time to log into Neopets and feed your almost dead Shoyru already. Please do it; he is so hungry.

Fish: You’re really going to clean a fish tank? Not a remaining soul in Neopia believes this after seeing the way you acted there when you were nine years old. After all, no one was asking you to be there, you actively went online and made an account. If you couldn’t have taken on the responsibilities of your Neopet, you could have just deleted your Neopets account humanely and written fan fiction on Quizilla instead. No one was depending on you for their access to basic goods and services there. But, no! You completely bailed on, all these responsibilities! And now, here you are, trying to take on more? Eh, whatever, this little fish will probably die within six months anyway.

Hamster: If you’re going to go out there and buy a pet despite your delinquency, this is an understandable choice! Unlike a Neopet (virtual creatures do not shit, ever), this creature poops everywhere to let you know it’s still around.

Good luck out there! Enjoy your pet, we guess. Just remember, if Neopets could sue you for your role in collectively neglecting them, just like millions of other American pre-teens in 2007, they fucking would!

Good luck out there! Enjoy your pet, we guess. Just remember, if Neopets could sue you for your role in collectively neglecting them, just like millions of other American pre-teens in 2007, they fucking would!

Stav
Humor Darling contributor