Hello to All My Gorgeous Gleeks!
Vegan For The Aesthetic Magazine’s editors must all be comatose from coronavirus and unaware of the unfair criticism I’ve been receiving lately, because I’m still getting paid to do this feature.
Before we get started, I just wanted to say reverse racism is real, and I experience it all the time, both in casting and in line at Whole Foods. Yep, that’s right, I have to go in person to the grocery store, now that I’ve been dropped by Hello Fresh. Stop by the vegetable aisle, and you might just be #blessed by my presence.
Stardom is tough, and it is very unlikely you’ll be as good as me. But I am legally obligated to write this article, and I really need the money since I’m no longer a spokesperson for the aforementioned grocery delivery service. So, these are my Top Five Tasty Tips for anyone trying to reach their full Lea Michele star potential!
Tip #1: Shitting In A Wig = Starpower
Being a diva is all about doing and saying whatever you want without fear of consequence, and baby, I’m the bravest of them all. You heard me. A white girl’s gotta go where a white girl’s gotta go, and a white girl’s gotta harass their black co-star whenever they feel threatened by their talent on set! If you can say you’d like to shit in your black co-star’s wig and get away with it, that’s real star power, honey.
Tip #2: Be Obsessed With Getting The Part, No Matter What
I was brave enough to sing “Don’t Rain on My Parade” at the Tony Awards in my attempt to edge out Beanie Feldstein for the part in Funny Girl. Did I succeed? No, she got the part. But did I show the world just how brazenly obsessed I am with my own success by using a public awards show as an audition? Why yes, yes I did. My miss on Funny Girl didn’t stop me from learning Spanish for West Side Story though! So rude that they wouldn’t want me (a white Jewish woman) to play the Puerto Rican lead, Maria.
Tip #3: Assert Dominance In Any Possible Form
Remember: If you’re not constantly asserting your dominance, the cast and crew will forget who the Head Bitch In Charge is. Every second that your coworkers aren’t absolutely terrified of you is a second wasted. So threaten to shit in a wig (as discussed above), tell your co-stars their singing is flat (when it isn’t), or even take inspiration from the crazy character you’re playing — if you’re lucky enough to get cast, that is. I like to recreate the Rachel Berry experience by routinely sending my interns to a crack house. The sky’s the limit!
Tip #3: Make Extras Cry.
Someone has to make sure the extras know that just because they get the one-day temporary thrill of being on a television set, they’re not actually going to make it big. I mean, come on, being an extra? It’s called “extra” for a reason. They are unnecessary, unneeded, and if they had any modicum of actual talent, they would have been gunning for this since they were six months old like I did. To make sure the extras never forget their inferiority, pinpoint their biggest insecurities and make “jokes” in front of everyone. Oh, Linda, welcome to our set! I knew it was you because I could see your love handles bouncing towards us from miles away! Love the peasant top, Alexis, no one wears a JCPenney sales rack like you do!
Tip #4: The More Stars You Can Blacklist, The Less Competition You’ll Have
Dianna Agron was too pretty, and Naya Rivera was too much of a scene stealer. In Naya’s trashy memoir “Sorry Not Sorry: Dreams, Mistakes, and Growing Up,” (which I wiped my ass with after shitting in someone’s wig), Naya alleges that I started a nasty rumor that her on-set behavior got her temporarily fired from Glee. Did I really say that, you might ask? Of course I did. You can’t get blacklisted for being an absolute terror if casting directors believe your co-star is the actual absolute terror. As for Dianna? Too easy. All I had to do was hold a gun to Ryan’s head to have him say, word for word, “When we cast Dianna as Quinn, she ruined the part for me,” in a Rolling Stone Review. Here’s some Spanish for you, West Side Story: hasta la vista, you pretty blonde alto, irrelevance is yours and the spotlight is mine!!!!!
Tip #5: When You Have To Take Responsibility For Your Actions, Coincidentally Get Pregnant!
When you can no longer hide behind playing an underaged ingenue, and the Twitter community has uncovered your terrible behavior, compose a masterful, heartfelt, Oscar-worthy Notes App apology, and post that puppy on any and all platforms!
Besides, you all can’t be mad at me, I’m pregnant! That baby in my uterus makes me an invincible white woman who makes no mistakes!! I am an Earth goddess more connected to nature and the universe than ever, and if you’re mean to me, my fetus will cry — and NOT because I refuse to give it anything but broccoli. If you’re going to crucify a pregnant woman for simply being the star that she is, then honey, you’ve got a problem that shitting in a wig can’t fix!