6ish Bedtime Tips to Quiet that Millennial Mind, circa 3am

Courtney Schaefer
Courtney Schaefer
July 20, 2020

Let’s face it, the world is on fire and your melatonin just isn’t hitting the way it used to. Fear not! A good’s night sleep is within your grasp, just follow these easy steps!

Step 1: Settle into your bed and turn on your dimmest lamp.

No overhead lighting for this relaxed soul! Make sure to take two hits of weed (it’s medicinal!) and pick up that book you’ve been reading for the better part of a year.

Step 2: Time to broaden the mind while relaxing the body.

…Huh, the main character has a best friend named “Megan.” Remember that Megan who you worked with at that restaurant in your hometown 7 years ago? Wonder what she’s up to! It’ll take like 45 seconds to look her up on Facebook, let’s give it a try…

Op! Found her! OH MY GOD, she has KIDS!!! Her profile pic has a banner that says “Proud Leo Wife.” Why is Beth a wife, and you can’t even get someone to go on a second date with you..?

Step 3: Actually…open your Hinge…

Oooh, hello Marcus! Hot AF and a software developer (real job!). Wow, no mention of “The Office” anywhere on his profile??? Okay, YES, match to continue! Oh fuck, he listed moderate as his political affiliation. Delete delete delete!!!

Step 4: Get a notification that your phone is at 20%

Okay, that might not seem like a real step to you guys, but it’s an important part of the experience, trust me!!! If you can google “Jack Black dancing in cowboy boots TikTok” at 3am on a Saturday night when you’re 6 miles away from home waiting on your Lyft driver who is nowhere in sight with a 2% battery, you can make it through this!!! …Back to Beth’s feed. Omg, there’s a post bashing Beth’s ex-best friend. 79 comments. Jackpot.

Step… 5? 6? Who the fuck cares: Read. Every. Comment.

Mackenzie seems to be especially spirited — click on her profile. Daaaaamn, she has a lot of work drama for a bank teller!!! Go off on your step mom, bitch!! She actually reminds you of someone you went to middle school with… Laura, Lena…? Wow. You can’t even remember her name now! You guys had so many great sleepovers staying up watching YouTube and reading Creepypasta… OH MY GOD, you had forgotten about Creepypasta.

ABANDON THE STEPS, WE NEED TO FOCUS ON WHAT REALLY MATTERS!

Ahhhh, Creepypasta, the beautiful site for fucked up minds to write their most fucked up stories for the macabre entertainment of teens. Open that shit up NOW. Damn, there’s so much here, you need a more guided tour. Open Reddit to find a page about the best Creepypasta.

Oh wait, the “Married at First Fight” Reddit page that you subscribe to has new comments! Read them all. JennaGirl675 says Jamie and Beth are soulmates??? GET REAL.

Google “where are they now” for all the couples of “Married at First Sight.” Arranged marriages really are a trip… Catherine the Great had an arranged marriage and she usurped her husband like…that shit is CRAZY. Open Catherine the Great’s Wikipedia.

Scroll down to Catherine’s personal life.

Damn, Catherine fuuuuuuuucked! That’s a lot of lovers. Think about opening your Hinge again… decide against it and read about how Catherine was related to the Romanovs. Fuck, your phone is at 10% and you’re knee-deep in finding out what happened to the Russian princess Anastasia!

Remember that animated movie Anastasia?

That cartoon Demetri was kinda hot. Check that IMDb REAL fast. HE WAS VOICED BY JOHN CUSAK? Holy shit — Kelsey Grammer, Hank Azaria, Bernadette Peters, who wasn’t in this movie?

Wasn’t Kelsey Grammer’s wife on Real Housewives?

It’s been awhile since you watched that show…maybe just one episode to put your mind at ease. Oh, and your phone died!!!!!!!! Okay. Well, I guess it’s time to go to sleep. Take two more hits to knock yourself out and fall asleep above the covers.

Wake up feeling like dog shit and do the same thing over again tomorrow ❤