6 Reasons Why Amy Coney Barrett is the Perfect Handmaid for the Supreme Court

Clarice Pinkard
Clarice Pinkard
October 26, 2020

When news broke that Amy Coney Barrett was a handmaid in the religious organization People of Praise I thought, wow… it’s about time!

It’s a travesty the Supreme Court has gone over 200 years without a single handmaid. Amy Coney Barrett is breaking glass ceilings and making every little girl see that if she just works hard enough, she too can be a handmaid on the highest court in the land.

Here are six reasons why we need Amy Coney Barrett, a literal handmaid and champion for women, on the bench.

  1. Many women hold their tongues, Amy Coney Barrett speaks in tongues.
  2. It’s rumored that Brett Kavanaugh has been requesting a handmaid since he got appointed. “Ofbrett” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
  3. I think we should have more justices with cultish religious views. When have cultish religious views ever hurt anyone? Blessed be the fruit Kool-aid at her appointment party. I’d also like to suggest a member of The Manson Family to fill Clarence Thomas’ seat.
  4. It’s about time we had someone on the Supreme Court that believed in faith healing. The new Affordable Care Act will just be a minister placing his sweaty hand on your forehead. So cheap and so effective.
  5. When I think about the best person to ensure American people have equal justice under the law, I think who better than someone who thinks women are subservient to men? I think it’s fantastic that Amy Coney Barrett plans to Snapchat her husband/Commander to get his approval before deciding any nation-changing Supreme Court cases.
  6. Let’s face it, that red robe will give the judicial bench a much-needed pop of color. Praise be.