2000s Pop-Punk Songs Re-Written for Aging Emos

Elyza Halpern
Elyza Halpern
March 2, 2022

Attention aging emos! Grab your old Hot Topic gear out of your stepdad’s attic and skip your Zoloft so you can REALLY FEEL THE ANGUISH because we’ve re-written your favorite angsty 2000s pop-punk anthems for your rapidly aging bodies and increasingly jaded minds! Sure, your problems are a little different in 2022 than they were in ye ol’ oughts, but that doesn’t mean you can’t jam!

1. “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”

Oh, well imagine, as I’m pacing the shelves of my town’s grocery store

And I can’t help but to hear, no I can’t help but to hear an exchanging of words

“Is that Sarah from high school?”

“Is that Sarah from high school, the one who peed at prom?”

“I thought she moved away. Oh, that’s right, she was trying to act. Maybe it went badly…”

I don’t chime in, I can’t let these girls know that it’s me

The weird girl with the prom pee,

Who tried to act unsuccessfully

So I duck behind the Cheerios…

2. “Sugar We’re Going Down”

Am I more than you bargained for yet?

I’ve been dying to tell you anything you want to hear

So you’ll stay at my company

Lie on the floor, for our new-hire ice breaker

I’m just a corporate entity, but you’re just a “human resource”

Drop the file, in the Zoom.

We’re all waiting for you to finally un-freeze your screen.

You’re going down, down, if you unionize now!

And sugar, HR will contact you shortly

You’ll never, ever get a reference

If we hear one peep about “health benefits”

3. Misery Business

I’m in the business of Misery, let’s take it from the top

*looks at watch*

Whoops, looks like your therapy session is almost done, so we’ll just save that “misery business” for next week, but in the meantime keep doing those CBT worksheets I gave you, and repeat to yourself: “I am doing what I can with the tools have, I am doing what I can with the tools I have.”

By the way, you just turned 26, right? Oh, happy birthday! Be sure to contact me about what insurance you’ll be using from here on out because your parents’ insurance no longer applies moving forward.

4. Welcome to the Black Parade

When I was, a young boy

My father

Drove me to my high school

To take the SAT

He said “son when you grow up

You’ll be

A very proud homeowner

And have a 401K”

…Okay, you’re…you’re already crying…I know, I know, you wanted to major in Theater, but you’re Dad convinced you to switch to something more practical, and now you spend all day doing data entry for a military contractor and half your paycheck goes to student loans because everyone told you “it’s worth it, GW’s a great school!”…okay too much…I’ll stop…wanna go to When We Were Young fest?