With Schools Reopening, Bullies Shift to COVID-Safe Bullying Tactics

Rich Burgauer
Rich Burgauer
April 7, 2021

PORTINGTON, MA —As the COVID-19 vaccine rolls out, schools across America have begun opening their doors again to students. Sybil Ludington High School is one step closer to normalcy.

“We’re back to normal, but with one key difference,” noted principal Candace Austen. “The bullies have scrapped traditional bullying ways, adapting accordingly for the pandemic.”

“I underestimated these kids. They’re pulling no punches — literally, no actual punches. When they confront one another, it’s with an artistic mastery of the English language. Instead of their fists, they let their talking do the talking,” marveled English teacher Charles Turley. “I must say — they have an extensive vocabulary these days. It’s now a trend to carry a thesaurus!”

“Back in my day, I would catch the jocks passing each other notes about my glasses. Later, they would pants me. But no one’s grabbing anyone’s pants anymore — at least not without hand sanitizer and a COVID test first.”

“Mr. Turd-ley taught us good,” said Ryan Katzmalchian, 18, bully. “Excuse me, well.”

“We learned our vocabulary from him in AP English,” chimed in Anton Willard, 17. “We like to dabble with adjectives and adverbs and shit. We’re trying to defy the stereotype that bullies aren’t learned.”

“My only wish is that they’d stop calling me Mr. Turdley,” commented Charles Turd — er, Turley. “It’d be nice not to be bullied throughout adulthood too.”

Katzmalchian added, “The key to a good insult is following against narrative structure: Tell, don’t show. I know how to wield my words better than my fist these days.”

“Physical contact isn’t completely gone,” superintendent Peter Tryobe sent out in a press release. “It has come to my attention that some students are giving each other ‘mask wedgies.’ If they see someone wearing a mask improperly, they give them a ‘mask wedgie’ by hoisting the mask back up over their nose and mouth. ‘Swirlies’ are also reportedly happening in sinks instead of toilets now. The kids make sure to swirl hands in soapy water for the CDC-recommended 20 seconds. I only wish bullying had been this helpful when I was growing up.”