Winged Maxi Pads Migrate South for Winter Season

February 3, 2022

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s…Kotex? That’s right, herds of winged maxi pads are migrating South for winter! If you live in the Midwestern or Southern United States, expect to see the products traveling through your town in the coming weeks.

“While tampons and diva cups can stay warm in the vagina during the winter months, pads are more exposed to the elements when it’s cold,” says Dr. May Denise, 47, a local professor and researcher on animal behavior. “The unpleasant conditions lead many lucky enough to have wings to go south.”

While many pads look forward to going south every year, the journey isn’t always easy. Weather, for example, can easily put a damper on the migration.

“We hope it doesn’t rain during our journey there,” says migrating U By Kotex CleanWear Ultra Thin Heavy Flow Pad, 31. “Otherwise, we are soaked. It can get dangerous because you can’t fly anymore if your body absorbs that much water at once.”

Mother Nature isn’t the pads’ only concern en-route, however. Like birds, the pads typically fly together: the sight confuses many, especially men, on the ground.

“I saw this V of creatures traveling together,” says Florida resident Joseph Anderson, 41, who has never seen a menstrual product in real life. “Of course, I thought at first that they were birds, but then realized they weren’t…alive. Kind of creepy, I almost called the cops.”

“I shot at them,” said Ohio man and hunter Jeff Sanders, 54, who thought the V-formation was a flock of ducks. “Disappointing to not have a bird for dinner tonight, and I was too afraid even to touch whatever it was I shot down once I realized it wasn’t a living thing. Are you telling me women put those things near…you know…”

Contrary to popular belief, many winged maxi pad species go to their Florida beach homes on an annual basis: after all, being a menstrual product pays well.

“Look, I can handle a frequent bloody beating, just only eight months out of the year,” says migrating Always Ultra Thin Overnight Pad, 41. “It’s a stressful job when people expect you to protect their white jeans. I need the vacation.”

The pad looks forward to bringing their pantyliner children to Disney World this winter.