Typical Job Ad in 2021

Gabe Downey
Gabe Downey
August 23, 2021
happy man cheering in red sweater

Seeking a ROCK STAR candidate who knows how to PLAY HARD but HAVE FUN and isn’t yet SUICIDAL because it’s ALL POINTLESS!

Job Title: Senior Communications Coordinating Assistant Manager/Impromptu I.T. person when Shelly’s printer isn’t working because she didn’t plug it in.

Education Requirement: Master’s degree required. Will consider a BS for the right candidate who can demonstrate they’ve been properly enslaved by their previous corporate masters and have a feeble enough outlook to not question our demanding schedule and ridiculous culture void of work-life balance or common sense. Ph.D. preferred.

Required Experience: Must be fluent in every language on Earth (even Esperanto — that international language) and demonstrate a willingness to mortgage your entire life to make money for the 1% aka the “owners” of the company who come in once a week to play putt-putt in their office and criticize everything you’ve ever done.

Preferred Experience: Candidates who have presented on corn futures to the Intergalactic Council of Marnaw will be considered first. If you haven’t yet presented to the Intergalactic Council of Marnaw on corn futures but are planning to present to the Intergalactic Council of Marnaw on corn futures, you may be considered unless the boss’ son is looking for a distraction in which case the position goes to him — again.

Microsoft Office fluency is also a plus.

Benefits: Because we LUV our rockstar employees, we offer industry-leading benefits including:

  • Sometimes we have bottles of water in the fridge that are NOT for you
  • After five years of service, you can open your window
  • Unlimited PTO days that you are forbidden to take as we discourage attempting to enjoy your stupid life for even two seconds
  • We once had a ping pong table in the basement but it has been removed
  • The boss will occasionally leave their half-eaten leftover pizza in the break room. However, it is thin crust veggie — and no one wants thin crust veggie.
  • Pet insurance (does not apply to dogs)

Salary: Up to $27,000/year commensurate with experience.

How to Apply: Please include a cover letter, 15 references who will attest to your rock-bottom self-esteem, and be prepared to retype your resume into our online hiring form twelve times. Then, go fuck yourself because you’re not getting this job.

Posted Jan 13th, 2021