Taco Bell’s New Menu (Just Hear Us Out on This One)

August 5, 2020

Welcome to Taco Bell! We’ve worked hard to make your customer experience as memorable as possible! Lucky for all you foodies, we’ve got a sneak peek of our new menu, soon to be available at a location near you. This time, we’re doing away with the items you used to love and replacing them with dishes that you never knew you needed! Gordita Crunch Wrap with a Baja Blast Birthday Freeze — be gone! Get excited, because we’re about to give you…

  1. One taco: $1.49. (Yep, it’s just our standard taco—corporate wouldn’t let us do away with this one.)
  2. One taco, will not make a giant mess in your lap if you eat it in the car: $2.49 (Same as above, but with a napkin.)
  3. One box of tacos: $4.99. (It’s as many tacos as we feel like giving you. Ranges between 3–12 tacos, depending on if Stan’s behind the grill or not.)
  4. Hot sauce: FREE (For an extra 99 cents, we’ll dispense it directly into your mouth with our new hot sauce gun.)
  5. Chicken Nuggets We Stole from the Wendy’s Next Door: $9.99 ($19.99 if you want it hot. You’re paying for the thrill of the proximity to petty crime, not the taste.)
  6. Baja Blast, Keg Size: $4.99 (A hit with guests of all ages! Bring it to your daughter’s bachelorette party or your second cousin’s divorce proceedings.)
  7. Us telling You that You Deserve Better than the Guy Who Cheated on You Last Week: $4.99 ($9.99 if you want us to tell you there’s someone better out there for you.)
  8. Beans: $1.99. (Just a box of beans, plain or refried. Great for vegetarians! This is what you all eat, right?)
  9. Nacho Fries: $1.99. (That’s right, we took the seven-layer burrito away from you but are still keeping these fuckers.)
  10. $5 Chipotle Gift Card: $5.49. (If you buy this, we don’t have to cook for you or clean up after you. If that’s not efficient, we don’t know what is!)
  11. Just Give Us Money. (Most of us don’t have affordable health insurance, please help!!!)

Stop by one of our locations soon. All restaurant managers will be shooting off T-shirt cannons to celebrate our new menu kickoff! Come score some swag, emblazoned with our new Taco Bell slogan: Eat Tacos or Eat Ass! (We know it’s not as good as the quiero Taco Bell dog, but give it up already! That thing died in 2009 and we are tired of hearing about it.)