Supreme Court Rules You Can Take the Rest of the Week Off

Katie Mckelvie
Katie Mckelvie
November 4, 2020

Today the Supreme Court took the unusual step of ruling in a not-yet-filed case saying “No employer shall make or enforce any requirement which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of any person to tell their boss to fuck off until this whole election thing is sorted out.” The Court’s unanimous opinion also specifically called out the people’s rights to doom scroll, wish cast, and day drink.

“Look,” the Court’s opinion began, “We don’t agree on a lot of things, but we most certainly agree in the inalienable right to freak out and spend several hours in group texts about how Nate Silver got this wrong again. That is going to take time, and the clear intent of the Founding Fathers was to allow you to have that time, unfettered, unencumbered, and unshowered.”

Newly minted Justice Amy Coney Barrett also lashed out at the nation’s boss force on Fox and Friends this morning, saying, “Are you fucking kidding me — even I’m not working.” In a concurring opinion, Chief Justice Roberts railed that “persons” deserving mental health days included corporations and that he would see any requirement to force people to work this week as a tax. “But don’t let this show of unity fool you,” he added, “Just wait until next week.”