School Seeking Immortal Superhuman for Teacher/Nurse/Bus Driver/Cafeteria Worker/Janitor/Counselor Position

Lena Atherton
Lena Atherton
July 23, 2020

Primary Purpose: Are you out of a job? Is your unemployment check about to stop despite bills that “won’t stop, can’t stop”? Boy, have we got a health-risking, life-threatening offer of employment for you!

We are looking for those with a hunger for employment and a thirst for adventure (including the possibility of losing your sense of smell and taste). Someone who wants to make a difference by babysitting the children of America so that their beleaguered parents can get back to their online meetings. A hero warrior who will literally breathe life into the economy as though it were the mouth of a stranger who collapsed on the street with COVID-19 (or a co-worker in the teacher’s lounge).

Qualifications:

  • “Happy Eyes” so that children think you are smiling at them even though they can’t see your mouth
  • A strong but soothing voice: it needs to be audible with precise diction that can be heard through gauze, cloth, and plastic
  • A built-in substitute: a trusted alternate who will be contractually obligated to replace you if you are put into a medically-induced coma
  • Six arms: Ok, I know that sounds ridiculous — we can make do with four!
  • A very large bladder: Think bigger. Think keg-sized. You won’t have any time to go to the bathroom in this position.

Job Duties and Responsibilities:

  • Must wear a snappy face mask: with sayings such as, “Teach, Inspire, Regulate Oxygen Levels,” “My Students=My Life!” or “I’m not a regular teacher, I’m a teacher who can administer an IV.”
  • Must be willing to learn how to drive a bus: while also yelling, “Sit down and put your damn face mask back on!”
  • Eyebrows: Must have the ability to communicate both praise and displeasure with your eyebrows.

How to Apply — Send resumes to Why_am_I_still_working_in_education@Ihatemylife.org