President Trump To Trump University Would-Be Class Of 2020: “Be Bestest”

Marriya Schwarz
Marriya Schwarz
July 4, 2020

First of all, congratulations on what would be your 2020 Trump University graduation! I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors from the lamestream media — that we closed Trump University because of the lawsuits, the investigations, the way that we marketed the ‘school’ as offering graduate, post-graduate, and doctorate programs in real estate education but it had no real ability to confer degrees, blah blah blah. NOT TRUE. In reality, we were the FIRST school to close due to COVID-19. And of course, I got criticized for this decision to close the school 10 years before the global health crisis because unprofessional reporters said “2010 is too early to close for a pandemic no one knows about” and “this is all a cover-up” and “suspicious this statement is coming out now.” But, of course, schools like Stanford and Northwestern followed suit; I just did it first and the media won’t cover that.

Although your celebration is not how you intended, I am HUGELY proud of you and your decision to #BleedOrange at Trump University. I did a quick Google search and you could have used that $34,995 on a Mercedes-Benz, a house in Detroit, groceries for a family of 8, etc. but I am so glad you used it on Gold Elite tuition! Instead of tangible practical items, you sat in specific over-priced seminars, like Real Estate on Pennsylvania Ave., Lying About Your Bankruptcy 101, How to Purchase a Higher Tier of Trump University seminars, and all things it takes to run a Nation. I take my MAGA hat off to you.

Over the past couple of weeks and months, we have all experienced dark times of uncertainty about not being able to go golfing and about being white. And now we need you to drive this great Nation to success. You may not have gotten much out of your education with us, but with Trump University on your resume, you’re sure to get stares for attending THE GREATEST ‘SCHOOL-LIKE’ ENTITY OF ALL TIME. Our students included Girl Scout Troop 3853, Don Jr., and several Nigerian princes!

You’re lucky: You’re graduating into the GREATEST ECONOMY THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER SEEN. But if I could only give you one single piece of advice, it would be this: “Don’t stop believing.” You can do anything. When I first decided to run a ‘school’ as a business scam, people said it couldn’t be done, but then I went ahead and did the same thing to a whole COUNTRY. (And if I could give you a second piece of advice, it would be this: Go ahead and get a lawyer now before it’s too late.)

As you embark on this REALLY BIG MILESTONE in your life, you should be proud of what I have achieved (and you, of course). We wish you the best of luck in all of your future probably-not-real estate-related endeavors.

XOXO,

Dean Donny Trump

P.S. Anyone who submitted legal claims against me is officially Not Cool and not invited to the 10-year reunion.

P.P.S. On the bright side, no one beat us in March Madness this year. #GoCheetos!