Please Stop Suing My Cafe for the Unique Experience We Provide

Britta Wilhelmsen
Britta Wilhelmsen
December 8, 2021

Hey, babes! Maribeth here, co-founder and manager of COMPLICATED CAFÉ, where we believe Simplicity is Violence™. If you’ve ever felt personally victimized because of your obnoxious coffee order, this is the place for you.

Frankly, it’s about time we start celebrating the full spectrum of impossible beverage concoctions. You deserve to be nothing less than your full self, and if that comes with 13 pumps of Tahitian vanilla served over a light dusting of pulverized charcoal, then you got it, damnit.

Not convinced yet? Wait till you try our new signature semi-venti free-range avo-latté. It’s infused with 100% pure lard chunks for optimum taste and corporate transparency. It’s cold-pressed overnight, then gently torched to 227 degrees Fahrenheit using the flame of a single Anthropologie candle. We top it with the protein-packed secretions of three June bugs before serving it freeze-dried in a hollowed-out avocado.

But listen, CC doesn’t stop at just drinks. We recently expanded our CONCEPT to be a fully immersive COMPLICATED experience that begins the moment you set foot in our doors.

However, due to overwhelming demand and multiple lawsuits, we’ve instated the below HOUSE RULES that we ask all of our valued CUSTOMERS to please follow:

  1. All avo-latté orders are now served from the ceiling chute. CC staff do not provide cups, mugs, or containers of any kind, so stop asking.
  2. Broken roller skates will be provided for each CUSTOMER, and they are to be worn at all times.
  3. Strobe lights, fog machines, and kazoos are property of CC INCORPORATED and may not be taken from the premises.
  4. CC cannot be held liable for any injuries related to our surprise trap door. It’s part of the experience, so lighten up already.
  5. You may not place your beverage order until you have already consumed it. No exceptions.
  6. As of January 1st, we do not serve anyone identifying as human. To file a complaint, please email our CC BOT.
  7. As of yesterday, we have permanently relocated to the stratosphere. Passcode required to enter each night will be posted on a blimp three hours after closing time.

OK babes, that’s it from me! Oh, I almost forgot to mention — tag us on Instagram with a pic of your signature avo-latté for a chance to be featured in the upcoming YouTube series: “What the Actual F**k.” Cheers!!