LORAIN, OH — A major scientific discovery occurred earlier today when apartment resident Fern Dip, of unit 409, made an emergency maintenance request stating one of the dryers was “glowing” and “floating off the ground.”
“It’s always something. I am so sick of living in crappy apartments that don’t keep up with building maintenance,” said Dip. “This dryer always gives me problems, but I was running really late for work and needed to dry my clothes. I hope I don’t get fired.”
The dryer has a history of disturbing behavior and has inspired an endless list of maintenance request orders. Residents have reported missing items, loud banging sounds, meteorites in the lint trap, and a glow-in-the-dark liquid that recently began puddling around the machine. Dip said the dryer emanating a blinding light this morning was the final straw.
Dip took to Twitter to complain about the unusable amenities, citing the extraterrestrial nature of the clunky machine. She posted photos of the inoperative dryer, attributing the appliance’s rune-covered facade to passive-aggressive or drunk neighbors. By chance, these photos drew the attention of local astronomer Paul Sar, who claimed the runes may, in fact, be proof of the first contact with alien life. This further drew the attention of other astronomers, UFO-chasers, and even the cast and crew of Jackass 4, who were filming nearby. (Thankfully, Elon Musk had been previously blocked from seeing Dip’s tweets for unrelated reasons.)
A crowd of scientists quickly took over the laundry room, setting up equipment and radio telescopes. UFO-chasers live-streamed their own independent coverage of the event. Before the scientists could stop him, colorful building resident Steve-O somersaulted into the dryer and disappeared for about 45 seconds before re-emerging from a different dryer in the laundry room. He had an armful of mismatched socks that he said he’d been looking for for years (Yeah, sure, Steve-O).
Paul Sar credited Fern Dip and Steve-O with discovering the first-known wormhole connecting us with our closest galactic neighbor: the Andromeda Galaxy, over 1 million lightyears away, he said as he shed a tear. Unfortunately, Fern got a call from work saying she was indeed fired, and she was last seen crawling into the dryer with Steve-O. Minutes later, she sent a radio transmission back to Earth saying she is doing well and enjoying a beautiful, anti-capitalist life with lots of new friends in Andromeda, where there are no landlords, no bosses, and no broken dryers.