Other Issues the Supreme Court Could Rule on Instead of the Rights to My Body

Emily Knapp
Emily Knapp
June 9, 2021

Leave me alone.

1. The undeniable fact that mustard is the superior condiment for a hot dog and/or hamburger.

2. A unanimous decision that June Osborne deserves happiness in Season 4 of The Handmaid’s Tale.

3. I think we can all agree that we should remove the word moist from the English vernacular.

4. Let’s put Grey’s Anatomy out of its misery, okay?

5. Perhaps you could make mac-and-cheese a vegetable so I can eat it every day for dinner guilt-free.

6. A motion to provide every woman free cupcakes on the first day of her period.

7. And while we’re on that, a motion that allows us to take a sick day on the first day of our periods.

8. Scratch that. Just give us time off for our entire period each month. We frankly deserve it, tbh.

9. Also, I never want to wear a bra again. Can you pass a ruling, or whatever, so I can do that without being judged?

10. Okay, and also, can you get people to stop making meetings at 2 p.m. on Fridays?!

11. And also at 10 a.m. on Mondays.

12. Maybe just ban all meetings?

13. Oh! I also don’t want to answer emails before noon and after 1:30 p.m. Can you make that happen?

14. And… I’m kind of getting peeved that I have to like… do stuff at work. Could you just remove all responsibility from my job?

15. And also maybe remove all responsibility from my life.

16. Honestly, can you make everyone just leave me the hell alone?