[YOUR HOMETOWN] — Instead of flashy plans for her big weekend this year, Mom insists she would just like to enjoy a day at home with the family, maybe put on a movie, and fixate on where she knows that actress from.
“It’s gonna bother me until I figure it out,” said Mom, 56, five minutes into a two-hour-plus feature, and then again every time the actress appeared onscreen or was mentioned by any other actors in the film.
Earlier in the week, Mom had floated potential brunch plans at That New Place Near Where the McKinney’s Used to Live, despite no one other than Mom having any recollection of who that group of people might be; however, after much deliberation, Mom decided she’d rather stay home.
“Besides, parking would have been a nightmare,” she said, talking over multiple lines of the movie’s expositional dialogue. “I’m glad we decided to stay home, make popcorn, and spend some quality time together. Hey wait, what just happened. Why is the Sherlock Holmes guy mad?”
Eyewitnesses recount hearing her mutter under her breath as she peered through the bottom portion of her readers and held her phone at a full arm’s length. She diligently scrolled IMDB in the Safari browser, while every app she had ever opened ran in the background.
“Any luck?” asked Dad, 59, at regular intervals throughout the next few scenes, knowing his own ability to enjoy what remained of the film depended entirely on half-hearted support for his wife of nearly three decades. He leaned forward dug-out style, ready to firmly agree with whatever conclusion she finally drew.
Despite other family members’ intermittent cries of “you’re missing the movie,” Mom’s search continued uninterrupted. At the beginning of act three, without warning, she exclaimed, “Hitler Bunny! Rabbit! Hitler Rabbit. That’s where I know her from!” The film she meant, of course, was Jojo Rabbit.
The remainder of the watch continued uneventfully until the closing credits, at which point Mom sat upright scanning the cast list, this time over her glasses.
“Chris, get ready to Google her,” she ordered Dad, who sat up quickly despite having dozed off for the film’s final 45 minutes.
“I don’t think I liked that Licorice Pizza,” she announced unprompted. “Uncharted was fun. It was that guy who plays the new Spider-Man. He’s dating the girl from the sad teen show, right? What else have we seen lately…?”
The family looks forward to Father’s Day next month. Plans are likely to emerge, but will almost certainly be squashed when Dad decides he “doesn’t want to spend the money” and would prefer to stay at home guessing the outcome of the latest Chris Nolan flick.