“Florida Man” has long been the king of local news stories so absurd they make you feel like you’re living in an alternate dimension run by a juggalo on acid. However, a new, even more mind-boggling, uniquely affluenza-driven headline-maker could be giving “Florida Man” a run for his money: “Maryland Man.”
That’s right, “Maryland Man” is here to prove that, just like the Sunshine State, the land of ’Bohs and ’Ohs has its fair share of unhinged drunk dudes who do wild shit involving improvised weapons, bodies of water, and local wildlife.
We spoke to one “Maryland Man,” Towson resident Gaither McDonogh, about his achievements: “Yesterday, I chugged a Four Loko, shoved a live oriole in my mouth, and scaled the outer wall of Camden Yards, screaming ‘it’s my right as an American to drive my jet ski into federally preserved wetlands, and if the DNR doesn’t like that, they can suck my Gilman Class of 2013 dick,’” McDonogh said, referencing the private all-boys school in Baltimore that specializes in training the Maryland Men of tomorrow. “Still not as crazy as whatever the hell they do at Fort Meade though.”
Another “Maryland Man,” Annapolis resident Glen St. Mary, took a unique but equally impressive approach to creating local chaos: “So me and my boys, meaning the dudes I got into a fistfight with outside Pusser’s, headed down to Ocean City for Newly Legal Week.”
St. Mary clarified that “Newly Legal Week” refers to Ocean City’s high school “Senior Week” in June, where, for generations, newly graduated 18-year-olds have gone to have a good time while desperately trying to avoid dudes like St. Mary and his friends.
“Anyway,” St. Mary continued, “my boy Bryce, and my other boy who’s also named Bryce, and my third boy named Bryce who also goes by the rapper name ‘A$$ateague’ headed to the H2O Club to find some ladies who need an ‘ecological restoration’ of their ‘Chesapeake Bay,’ if you know what I mean.” We still don’t know what he meant.
St. Mary continued: “So I’m dancing on this girl, and she says, ‘don’t you work at the PNC Bank in Severna Park?’ and I don’t fuck with PNC, I’m an M&T boy for LIFE, so I found out where that girl was staying and released 410 live crabs into her living room.”
Both St. Mary and McDonogh said they were proud that Maryland Men are finally getting the recognition they deserve, and they wanted to pay tribute to the “Maryland Men” that came before them, such as Brett Kavanaugh, Ray Rice, Andy Harris, and the assholes who gentrified Eastport.