Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Covering with Masks Covers Eyes with Oakleys

Ian Zandi
Ian Zandi
January 19, 2021

In a recent viral video, TikTok user @patriotpatrick1776 confronted the mask-wearing phenomenon. As he berated the camera about the cons of being forced to wear a mask for his own protection, he sported Oakley sunglasses preventing the sun’s hot beams from scorching his corneas.

Studies have shown that, much like the high-quality sunglasses that covered his face to ensure 100% UV protection, medical masks are similarly effective at preventing COVID-19. Additionally, according to his TikTok video comments, the Oakleys are nearly 100% effective in making him look like a douchebag.

“We don’t need no mandated masks! If anything, give each of us a gun to survive!” exclaimed Patrick. “The guns are to protect us! Or maybe help overthrow? I don’t know. The government is involved somehow, but I’m not going to let that get between me and my rights!” He said this all while putting on gloves to protect his hands from the blistering cold Baton Rouge winds.

“Wearing a mask makes me look weak! How could I drive this big, tough, fast truck with loud vroom-vrooms while wearing A TAMPON on my face? And why? So THE GOVERNMENT can find me and tell me what to do?!?” Patrick aired his grievances while sporting a goatee, which not only made him more distinguishable to facial-recognition software but also more distinguishable as a man losing his grip on reality.

As intense as Patriotpatrick1776’s sentiments may save seemed, some of them rang true. His Honda Silverado made a sound that could only be explained as “a goat kicking a motorboat, stuck inside a garbage disposal, clogged with oil from Papa John’s Garlic Dipping Sauce.” This obnoxious engine sputtering provided the ambient soundtrack as Patrick put on yet another protective jacket and a cowboy hat.

For just a brief moment in time, Patrick hesitated and took off his Oakleys. Here he paused, as if he realized his rants were hypocritical to the actions taking place. Glassy-eyed, Patrick drew his gaze into the camera one last time.

“You know I’m a church-going fella. God wouldn’t want me to wear a mask. God wants to see every part of me. My heart… my mind… but mostly my perfect hot bod,” said Patrick. He ended the video by burying his face back into his prescription Oakley-branded sunglasses.