Multiple sources have reported that your father, George Anderson, is super stoked that you are finally ready to embrace the foam resin clogs he has worn since 2002. Your father first noticed the Lime Zest pair of Crocs you were wearing in a photo you sent to the family group chat, to which he replied: “Well, throw me in a Florida swamp and chomp me in two — Crocs are in, baby!”
Though you have resisted the ultra-comfy, perforated footwear in the past, influencers like Bretman Rock and Arielle Vandenburg have convinced you that donning the reptilian-namesake footwear is now cool again. You also figured, “Might as well get a ‘Virgo’ Jibbitz charm while I’m at it, but like, ironically, you know.”
According to your sister, Allie, your father recently purchased matching neon-green classic Crocs for the entire family to wear at the annual Anderson Family Beach Barbecue Bonanza this summer. It is also reported he has been seen bragging to a Target cashier that you’re all going to look “spiffy, like J. Biebs.”
However, transcripts of your family’s group chat revealed that your mother Joan would rather die than wear Crocs in public, and she is actually threatening to leave your father for “Brad, the handsome redhead from work” if he forces her to wear them. Your father “haha”-reacted to her message and then privately texted you to ask, “Hey Bug, do you know who Brad is??”
When interviewed, your father nervously stated, “Look, I don’t know who Brad is, but we’re going to have a DAMN GOOD TIME at the Anderson Family Beach Barbecue Bonanza in our matching Crocs.” He shed a single tear and then added, “Please, guys. Do this for your ‘ole pop…please.”
Delivery updates from USPS estimate that the Crocs your father bought for you will be arriving tomorrow, which gives you ample time to pack and emotionally prepare for your summer trip back home.
During the time of writing, your neighbor, Laney, e-mailed you to say that she saw your father sobbing and clutching multiple pairs of Crocs in the garage and that she hopes things are well. A Crocs spokesperson declined to comment on the matter but mentioned that shipping is free on orders of their whimsical shoes totaling $49.99 or more.