Ian Zandi
Ian Zandi
November 17, 2020

Much to the surprise of local Lakewood, CA citizens, the COVID-19 testing site at Bolivar Park was recently revealed to have a secret menu. These new offerings are not being advertised to the general public, but promoted solely through word-of-mouth. Much like In-N-Out, COVID testing officials have relied on this marketing gimmick to get more individuals through their doors and tested.

When asked to comment on the newfound options, COVID Compliance Officer Amanda Hoffman remained tight-lipped.

“I can’t legally tell you what’s on the secret menu.” she replied. “Hypothetically, if it were to exist, it would ruin the surprise if I told you what was on the secret menu.” When pressed further to confirm the mere existence of a secret menu, Amanda simply shrugged and gave a wink.

Coronavirus has remained the scourge upon the earth, but locals have found themselves entertained by this new prospect. Some citizens, such as 38-year old George McHale, retain high hopes.

“Imagine the possibilities! Anything could be on a COVID-19 secret menu. Maybe a waterslide. A puppy? Anything could happen. Maybe my ex-wife could learn to love me again.” he said between sips of Pabst. “Many say that COVID has kept people apart. Maybe, just maybe, it could bring my love life back together again”.

“I’ve heard of the secret menu, but never tried it myself.” remarked local pool repairman Klaus Canter. “I’m too afraid to ask. It’s like asking for a ‘Sex On The Beach’ cocktail at a bar. I’d be too embarrassed if the testing administrator had no idea what I was talking about. They could give me a grimace to make me wish I was never born.” Canter pondered for a moment before continuing. ”I bet I can guess what’s on the menu though. Animal style…they let you pet an animal while they administer the COVID test. Probably a cute hamster or something.”

Other individuals are more realistic, having done their research on professional sources such as Reddit. Local teen Ray Longsworthy gave the inside scoop.

“Yeah, I’ve used the secret menu. They just stick the Q-Tip in other holes. Ear holes. Mouth holes. Nose holes. Other holes. Hell, they’ll even test you for COVID-20. That one isn’t even on the market yet, so I’m glad I was able to get a vibe check on it” stated Ray.

Additional secret menus are rumored to be available at other testing sites beyond Bolivar Park. Ray informed us of several highly-coveted secret items, including Blue Q-Tips giveaways at Dodgers Stadium and Coronavirus Funko Pops on Hollywood Blvd. “But of course, you can’t believe everything you read on the internet.” Ray snarked before dabbing.